I definitely think that a lack of honesty about parenthood is partly to blame for young girls, young women, and their partners, having children before even thinking much about it. Actually, I know many of older women (and by older I don't mean old, but as in late 20's and beyond) who also have bought into the fantasies of motherhood and having children would be like. I have lost count of how many women I have seen or known who were in a rush to get married so they could start cracking out babies and even hoped for a honeymoon baby to point I wondered whether they wanted the marriage, or the baby. Heck, their parent friends will sell them on fantasies of "parenthood is AMAZING" while covered in spit up, having painful cracked nipples, a marriage on the rocks, and being severely sleep deprived to point of hallucinating. They somehow ignore that and see the picture moments. The babies with ridiculous sized bows on their heads. The toddler snuggling with the family dog. They see the "cute and well behaved kid" and assume their own would be the same, rather than seriously consider they may have a child with autism or who simply is more high needs.

Many of the fantasies absolutely revolve around having a "cute baby" and "cute toddler". Much like having a puppy or a kitten. How often do people talk about how cute and funny teenagers are, or how much unconditional love their nine-year old provides? I give a big side eye to people who claim parenthood is so much easier than people claimed, when their child is still an infant or toddler. Yeah, sleep deprivation is tough, but wait until the kid has more of a personality and really tests you.

While I do know some people who had some experience with children in a very close, long term way before deciding to have children, most I know don't. I do think there truly are some people who do find parenting a very meaningful experience. I also think there are just as many who are convincing themselves that they find it so as what can they do now that the kid is there except justify their decisions?

I got pregnant when I was 16. Birth control failed, without us knowing it at the time. I knew immediately I wanted an abortion. Not only because having a child did not work for my life at that time, but I was the oldest of a few other siblings, by a few years, and had seen and experienced for myself how difficult children could be. While I will never claim I "raised" them, I will say that due to circumstances I was very involved in caring for them much of the time and it was a headache and a half. Heck, I knew how difficult *I* was. I love my siblings, and I turned out pretty good in the end, but it was not all fun and games! My poor mother! I knew there was no freaking way that I wanted to dedicate my life, at 16, to raising a child! My best friend at the time also got pregnant as a teenager and gave her child up for adoption. But, we were some of the more rare ones. I knew SEVERAL girls in junior high and high school who really WANTED to get pregnant. Who actively sought to get pregnant. Who wanted a cute baby to dress in Doc Martens and that would love them (for feeding them, I guess?). Some of them were "successful" in their goal, and from what I have seen none of them quite had the results they were expecting.

I am fortunate in that during my years of procrastination I did have some very honest friends, and even honest strangers. I am not someone who makes a decision without putting some serious thought into it, and looked for myself as to what parenthood was like. I read both "child free" literature, neutral literature, literature written by regretful parents and happy parents, and even "pro-natalist" literature. I was a member on several forums that were not child-centred but did have many parents, and many non-parents. I lurked and spent time on forums that WERE child-centred as a voyeur into what was said when people thought they had people of like mind to listen. I listened carefully when complete strangers told my husband and I we were smart for not having any kids, and then tried to pass their teenagers off onto us. I paid attention when even relatively happy parents told us to really think about it and shared that while they loved children, and even enjoyed being parents, they also would not have felt empty if they had not had them. Or talked about how they loved parenthood until their second or third child came along and was a demon spawn. I paid attention to those who talked about adoring parenthood, while they were still on the highs of a newborn, and then turned around to talk to the parent of a teenage girl who remembers the newborn days with a "I had no idea back then!". I had the privilege of many years to absorb all this information, to learn who *I* am as an individual, to determine what I wanted in my life, to create my identity. I believe that many people never give themselves this chance, and deny themselves this chance when they rush to have kids to GIVE them an identity of sorts. If I had popped out kids at 16, or 20, I really would have missed out on over a decade of some pretty honest truths about parenthood. My life could have gone a very different path. It scares me to even think about that!

I would not say my sex education glorified parenthood though or indicated it was a "must". I don't even particularly recall any discussion of children being positive in a marriage and so on. I had some sex education teachers though who did not have children themselves though either, so perhaps that had something to do with it. I just look more at the overall societal pressures, the obsession with celebrity babies and how wonderful the mothers look (though perhaps Jessica Simpson will hit it home a bit more that not all mothers bounce back 2 weeks after birth?), the tendency for parents to glorify the "good" and gloss over the "bad". All these together tend to really affect those who feel insecure, lost, who are searching for an identity, a sense of self, a family, a community, a sense of belonging, an escape, a permanency, a "reason" for a boyfriend to stay, a reason to avoid making other decisions, and so on.

I was pretty lucky to have a few good health teachers. I think in both 7th and 9th grade, we were told that kids will not love you back until they were usually 18+. They told us do not have children so you have someone to love you- it wont happen for many years. I only know one girl who kept a pregnancy in high school (not a friend, just a classmate), and I know just in my group of friends of at least 3 that were terminated. I believe that our school district did a pretty good job of giving us the facts. Teachers also let us know that Planned Parenthood could set you up anonymously with some birth control. Of course this was back in the 90s, back when giving kids unbiased sex ed info wouldn't cost a teacher their job.

Definitely. I honestly think most of my relatives wouldn't have had kids if they knew how hard parenting would be.

I know a girl who became pregnant at 15. All she talked about was how excited she was because she would have someone to play with (she had three siblings already, all younger than her), take a bunch of pictures, someone who would ALWAYS love her, someone she could dress up and take everywhere, etc. Basically, she talked like she would be giving birth to a baby doll. She even said she hoped the baby was a girl so she could be a bunch of cute dresses. Needless to say, when she finally had the baby, it wasn't what she was dreaming of. She gave the baby up at five months and swore she was never having a kid again. Her parents are actually kind of disappointed now...

This, I have seen this happen on many occasions. Most of the people who do this see kids as "what you are supposed to do", and have no idea what type of resources go into raising children. Most of these people did not have any serious child-rearing experiences or chores, and as a result they think child rearing will be driving the kids to soccer practice and picking out cute clothes.



I also agree with this, many people who have kids in their teens or early twenties never really had a chance to pursue other hobbies, goals and activities without consideration for their children. As a result they view it as the "best thing ever" without having done much else.

I've heard some talk in the UK about the Government intending on removing housing benefits for under 25s. It's long been a belief that young women breed themselves into social housing via the encouragment of parents and peers.
(I don't know if it's true or not, one of those things of which you'll never get a real assessment. Personally I believe it to be true).

So the thinking now is, 'you want kids, go ahead! I'm sure your mum and dad will be delighted at the fact they'll now have this extended family living under their roof, it'll be just peachy'....

I'm pleased to hear this if it's true, it may encourage parents to tell the truth about child rearing when they realised that their 16 year old Mimsy's bundle of joy will taking up residence with them.

Absolutely, positively 100+ percent YES. Parenting is marketed to people. And like all things marketed, the downsides are rarely, if ever, exposed.

I honestly think that when some people say: "Parenting is the most meaningful experience I've ever had", they are being completely truthful. This is, however, because having a child greatly reduces the energy, time, and money which could have been directed towards other pursuits. So they never have the opportunity to discover anything more meaningful. This is especially true for the younger and teen parents.

Basically, they've eaten one slice of mediocre cake and declared it the best cake ever, without even trying other desserts available. Oh, and they've signed into an 18-year contract that obligates them to buy and eat a slice of the mediocre cake before every meal or snack.

...No, my analogies are not insane, and I resent your implications.

Well you hear about parenthood being "the most wonderful, fulfilling thing you can ever do with your life" ALL THE TIME. What they dont follow up with is once you have kids parenthood is also the ONLY thing you can ever do with your life, it completely stunts your experiences in every other area. People make it seem like having a puppy or a kitten, this adorable chubby thing thats yours to show off and dress up that toddles around and gets you lots of attention and gifts. They never make it seem like an utterly life consuming experience that you are chained to forever. When I hear girls my age talking about having a baby, 90% percent of the comments are about how excited they are to buy cute outfits and dress their babies up and take pictures. Thats all they think parenting is.

I don't know that it's the cause of teen pregnancy as many of the girls here who start early come from large families and have been helping raise kids since they were a child themselves. So in their case, there's little illusion that children are all happiness and sunshine. On the other hand, they're already doing it and this one would be theirs and then they're an adult ... but those are issues separate from how easy/hard childrearing is.

However in the suburbs I've no doubt that the lack of exposure to the daily tasks of childrearing contributes to some serious problems. I've seen too many parents have NO clue how to disciple or care for their children and who see nothing wrong with popping three out in five years ... only to discover a few years later just how overwhelmed they are. So many acquaintances think they're totally ready for children only to discover they're very much not. My own parents had no clue and in pictures and home movies it really shows. We have a video of my mother and toddler me at a park and it's unintentionally hysterical because my mother obviously has no idea what to do - like "holding at arm's length" no idea. While I appreciate the more free-range raising that gave me, it had some problems too - my father would get rage-y because we (gasp) acted like kids and he didn't know how to deal with it and, more importantly, didn't realize that he HAD to deal with it as a part of being a parent. It's like freaking out that there's something wrong with your cat because it uses your sofa as a scratching post. Sure, you stop it (as best as you can) but you don't flip like it's abnormal. In addition my parents unintentionally treat us like afterthoughts. For example, if we all go out to eat then the order is Mom's preference, Dad's preference. Oh, yeah, each of our children has some dietary restrictions. Can't remember what those are. I'm sure they'll find something. Which has led to them surprising me upon arrival back with a trip to an italian restaurant. I'm gluten intolerant. It wouldn't bother me if it were, say, my mother's birthday but it was supposed to be something special for me. A place I could eat even half the stuff would have been a bit more appreciated.

Cough. That turned into a rant, didn't it?

I think that a lot of kids have been conditioned to think that their children will be some kind of magical toy that are cute 100% of the time, never cry or have tantrums, never become petulant adolescents, don't cost any money, and will love you unconditionally forever and force your boyfriend of 1 week to do the same.

Hell, a lot of adults somehow think this is true too. It's freaking insane. I wish that society was more honest about the mental, physical, and financial costs of bearing and raising a child. But, no, if we don't trick/force people into having babies, the economy will collapse and humanity will go extinct! Or at least the caucasian race will, which would be even worse, somehow! It disgusts me.