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Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 7:52 am 
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I don’t know if this is the right place to post this or not, but today I’m feeling very much alone and friendless. I’m off from the day job due to my back going out on me, so that doesn’t help my mood very much.

My problem is aging parents. My father has Parkinson’s disease, is in his sixth year with it, and it’s progressing rapidly. My mom buries her head in the sand about it. He needs at the very least a home health aide. However, neither parent will admit it. It also doesn’t help that I’m an only child. The burden is astronomical at times. This week is very hard. There is the burden then there is the guilt from feeling their burden.

I do their housework because mom has a lung problem and last week she had foot surgery so she can’t do much. So I’ve been doing a lot until I threw my back out (from lifting dad when he fell this past weekend, something I shouldn’t even been doing because I had back surgery in 2015).

This morning I suggested that they get a housekeeper to come in one a week to take the break off me. I told mom I would pay for it. Mom would have been on board with it but dad flipped sh*t over it. And I should also add that he’s become verbally mean since the Parkinson’s. The things he says to me hurt a great deal, and this morning he said some awful things, i.e. calling me stupid, saying I need to be put in a mental institution, and that he hates me, etc.

Bottom line: It hurts and it sucks. I don’t want to hate my dad, I try to remember that it’s not him. It’s the disease, but it still hurts.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent while the hubs is at work and I’m alone in the house all day. Thanks for listening.


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Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 9:50 am 
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I don't really have any advice for you, but just know this isn't uncommon. Both my mother and my mother-in-law have dealt with this in taking care of their own mothers. They don't know what they're saying. My mom read a book about dementia and that helped her to understand and deal with it a little better. But there's no doubt it's extremely painful and confusing.


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Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 10:06 am 
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Location: North Texas
Nancy, you need a support system or you will burn out. Getting paid help is highly recommended.

_________________
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde


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Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 10:39 am 
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I agree, you really need support. Is there maybe a carers network organisation near you that you could contact? They might be able to put you in touch with somebody and give you advice about what options there are. Or could you approach your father's doctor's surgery? I am sure they will be able to give advice and they will have contact details for various organisations.
Don't feel you are alone in this!
all the best!


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Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 11:56 am 
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Cami wrote:
I agree, you really need support. Is there maybe a carers network organisation near you that you could contact? They might be able to put you in touch with somebody and give you advice about what options there are. Or could you approach your father's doctor's surgery? I am sure they will be able to give advice and they will have contact details for various organisations.
Don't feel you are alone in this!
all the best!



I totally agree that I need a support system. I've tried to get them help. I hired a woman to come clean for them and they wouldn't let her in the door, were convinced that she was there to steal from them. I have no power of attorney and there isn't anything I can do if they don't let me help them. What other options do I have? Mom literally tells me to just walk away if I can't handle it. What kind of answer is that?


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Unread postPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2016 12:28 pm 
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I would certainly contact your parents GP or alternatively speak to your own GP about this and the way in which it is affecting your own health. That would be a starting point, unless you are already aware of any carers support groups in your area.

I am carer for my disabled husband and when he became seriously ill in the run up to the amputation that followed, our doctor's surgery were amazing. They organised the community nursing team to come out every day to help me change bandages etc and they gave me plenty of leaflets and info about whom I could get in touch with with regard to getting the house fixed up for the wheelchair, bathroom alterations etc. How to apply for grant assistance for building alterations, wheelchair ramps. Social services just wanted to put him into a care home, but we insisted we could manage here at home by ourselves and luckily we still do not need outside help. But the GP surgery made it very clear that it would only need a phone call from me and they would help me organise an alternative which would still enable my husband to remain in his own home.

I know your situation is different, but you need to speak to somebody in an organisation in your area who will be able to get the ball rolling for you. Not having PoA makes it tricky, but if all else fails you might need to talk to Social Services. If you just hire a person privately than nobody is really aware of the fact that you need help.

You sound quite upset and I do really feel for you. Help is out there, but you must take the step to get in touch in order to access that help. If you are unsure whom to contact, I am certain that your Doctor's surgery will have information at hand. They deal with this kind of thing often.


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Unread postPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 12:06 pm 
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Location: Canada
I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this, Nancy.

I think you've gotten very good advice so far on this thread. Is there a support group you could join? I'm sure there are lots of groups online, that way they could help you find the resources you need, and hopefully it would help you feel a little less alone. They might also have some tips to help you deal with this situation.

Also, please take Katherine's advice to heart. Burnout is a real problem for caregivers. Please take the time to take care of yourself.

Again, I am so sorry that you're in this situation.


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Unread postPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 7:57 pm 
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Thanks so much for your kind words. Hubby. Taking me to a hotel tonight for rest and relaxation. He's been so sweet and I'm grateful for that. And for you guys.


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Unread postPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 10:29 pm 
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I am extremely sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with Cami. Seek help from the doctor. Investigate everything you can to get help. Are there any relatives that can assist? A close friend of your parents that can help, a trusted church person? I hope so. And ,of course, the cruel things they say are coming from the disease & the stresses.

Most of all, please be sure to take care of yourself. Let your husband pamper you. Keep us posted. We 're here for you. Hugs.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2016 6:58 am 
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No relatives, he pushed everyone away years ago even his own sister. No church members either unfortunately


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