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 Post subject: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 1:55 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2014 7:57 pm
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Location: Desert
I've wrestled with depression since childhood -- part of it stemmed from upbringing, part an inheritance from my father's mental illness. As a teen it escalated into irresponsible sex, and drug/alcohol abuse. In my 20s and 30s, I made one bad choice after another regarding my love life, though in other areas did manage to earn two graduate degrees and live in several foreign countries.

Lately, I have felt like I'm being crushed by darkness. Nothing in my life seems to bring me happiness and all I do in cry in private. I truly do not believe I have anyone to talk to, either friends or family. I have been living in the Middle East for almost three years and this will soon wrap up and I will head back to the US. (I'd hoped to live in Mexico for a few months and study but will put that off for now.) So perhaps the colors will come back once I've moved. Living here has been intensely hard for many reasons, although many good things have happened -- good job, lots of money, travel, free time. I do have friends but they LOVE living here and I don't, and somehow I wind up feeling bad about that, like I've failed. I don't hate it here, I just find it restrictive. My comments about the inequality and just blown off by friends who either don't care or don't see it. The circle I've been part of is like high school in a way and I wonder how I wound up being in a clique when I'm in my 40s!

A group of us went away this weekend, which was quite nice to start. But then two of the group keep bickering with each other, just picking away at stupid stuff, and I finally asked them if they were going to keep arguing the whole time, because if they were, I would leave. One of them got really mad and said I was overreacting; it was only 'banter' (hate that word!). No, it wasn't. Friend A recently became a vegetarian and Friend B keep needling him about it and said she's tired of people making choices that are so self-involved. OK - I agree that some folks do make lifestyle choices and get obnoxious about them but A is not like that. B often likes to push buttons and aggressively question people about their decisions or ideas they have. She's a nice person but you never know what's going to set her off.

Anyway, Friend B and I were sharing a hotel room. She came in and continued getting upset about my reaction. I told her that I thought she and B argued too much and it's uncomfortable to be around. She said they're very close and that's just their relationship. Then she said she wanted her own room. She went downstairs to the hotel's cafe and I on the spot decided to return home. I packed up, left the hotel, got a taxi, and went to the airport, where I rebooked my flight. Friend A called me twice when I was at the airport and I ignored her. Instead I sent her a text telling her to keep the room (which I paid for) and that I was leaving early.

The whole exchange has left me feeling even worse than I have been. I literally feel sick and am taking the day off tomorrow (ME workweek Su-Th). I realize that I don't fit in anywhere and am more isolated than ever.

If you cared enough to read this, thank you.

_________________
Resist much. Obey little. ~ Walt Whitman


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 Post subject: Re: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sat May 20, 2017 4:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 05, 2014 12:17 pm
Posts: 1285
Location: Austin, Tx
For what it's worth rachel, I'm listening, and you have me to talk to.

We can't see each other, but I'm a real person.


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 Post subject: Re: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 1:26 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:21 pm
Posts: 163
Dear Rachel,

I know how you feel. I have been there. It sucks to be uncomfortable around quarreling people and then get one of them telling you that you're going overboard. I don't think you did. I would say the same thing. I personally wouldn't go anywhere near the middle east because of the miserable way they treat women. I do hope you feel better. You are NOT friendless. You have us, and me. I'm sending you a big hug to help. I am in a loveless marriage situation & am seriously considering leaving. For the past few years I've been staying up late at night crying. So I know your sadness. I wish that you were coming back here close to NJ, then we could get together. Feeling isolated and crummy is the worst, and many times I feel the same way. I have felt like that since elementary school in one way or another. I take medication for depression and when things get overwhelming, I tune out & listen to my favorite music, the only way for me to stop & relax & calm down.

Please do something to make yourself feel better. I'll be thinking of you. And please keep us updated on how you're doing. I care. Be well.


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 Post subject: Re: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 1:59 am 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Just ... all of it. It's so hard not fitting in even when it's not exactly a place you'd want to fit in. Does that make sense? And the bickering ... I don't care if it IS how some people express their affection for another, just STOP it when others are around! It's so unnerving to listen to. I don't even like it when people in sitcoms do that to each other and I KNOW that's not personal. Even if A and B really do love conversing like that, it's like PDA - get a room and leave others out of it.

A pre-emptive welcome back, btw! Will you have some transition help with that? I had a hard time readjusting after being overseas and it helped having a few people around who'd done it before. But apparently I have an adjustment disorder with depressed mood (turns out that's a thing?) so maybe that was just me.

Sending you good wishes that your last weeks there will be easy and unstressed as you focus on coming home and packing up your stuff! Visit any favorite restaurants one more time, find that one local thing you'll kinda-sorta miss and do it, and shake off that dust and come home!


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 Post subject: Re: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 6:28 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2014 7:57 pm
Posts: 702
Location: Desert
Thank you so much, Coco, One, and Jeanae! Sincerely, I send heartfelt appreciation all of three of you for your kindness and commiseration. :) This board is a relief to have, not only because of the obvious sharing of CF life but also for the non-judgment of troubles.

One, I am so sorry you're in a sad marriage. Please think of yourself and make a decision that is healthy for you. Life is too short to be miserable. I am originally from CT, so you never know...I may be again in the tri-state area and we can meet.

I do like the Middle East, I just don't love it the way my friends do and find that when I'm stressed about something, they shut me down. It is restrictive, though Oman is fantastic and if I ever were to return to the ME, I would live there. (Probably should have just gone there in the first place!)

Today is better...not crying so much and my headache is gone. A kind colleague took my place proctoring this morning and I rescheduled my class to tomorrow.

Hugs, all

_________________
Resist much. Obey little. ~ Walt Whitman


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 Post subject: Re: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2017 9:49 am 
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I'm sorry to have missed this until now. I hope your friends worked out the bullshit squabbling between them, and even if that's "just how they are" then they should have respected that it was obviously bothering you. Not liking constant arguing isn't an unreasonable thing, especially when you're mentally unsettled.

You can always vent here, and we'll be listening to what you have to say. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Being crushed
Unread postPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:08 pm 
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Location: North Texas
I hope your day off helped. Are you planning on moving out of the ME?

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β€œTo live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde


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