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Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 5:56 am 
Fellow Childfree,

Do you feel you owe your parents anything (whatever it may be) because they had you and raised you?
Many parents and adult children seem to think this way.

I myself do not.

(whiny breeder voice: if they didn't have you, you would not exist! :cry: )

I wasn't there when my parents decided to have a kid. One can't give anything to a non-existent person nor can one deny someting to a non-existant person. One can also not suffer from non-existence.

(whiny breeder voice: but raising a kid is hard work! Don't you appreciate that? :cry: )

And? Again, whose choice was it? Mine? Theirs? If you want something, there's always work to be done. If I want a high flying carreer, I will have to work my ass off. Bed. Made. Lie.

(whiny breeder voice: but they raised you! fed you! clothed you! :cry: )

Having children is a choice where I live. When you choose to have a child, it's your duty , both morally and legally, to take good care of him/her. It's not something you should expect a reward for. If I take good care of my pet, I'm not going to get a golden medal from Animal Welfare Organisations. It's just what I'm supposed to do.

But that's not the most important thing. My parents were cold and abusive. They were full of their own Mom & Dad issues and shouldn't have had children anyway. Breaking up with them twenty years ago was one of the best decisions I ever made. I've never spoken to them since that day and I won't come back to them. And nope, I'm not afraid of regretting it.

If I loved my parents, I would have helped them. NOT because I think I owe them but out of love. They threw that away all by themselves.

How about you? Do you feel you owe your parents something?


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Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 8:08 am 
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It’s a complex subject, I guess. I had parents who, at the very least, cared for us, provided for us, and loved us. It wasn’t all Happy Days or Brady Bunch, but they were (and continue to be) decent parents.

Yep, it was their choice, but they also could have chosen to be a lot less so (and still be well within the legal system), and they could have been downright neglectful and likely not been punished for it. One example: my folks paid for two years of music instruction, something I and deeply grateful for to this day.

I probably trip over the word “owe” - that implies an obligation, and no, I don’t feel guilted or obligated to do things for my parents. What I do is done because I appreciate what they’ve done (and would do) for me.

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Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:38 pm 
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I've been thinking about this lately, because for the past 2 years I've been looking after my parents (who are not in good health). I am doing it out of love for them, but I sometimes feel cheated out of my freedom. I chose not to have children so that I wouldn't be burdened, and yet here I am in middle age unable to even go away for a weekend. And yet ... I would do the same for them again. I don't believe I 'owe' them, although I guess if they'd been bad parents to me I wouldn't be doing all this for them now.


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Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 5:28 pm 
No I don't owe them anything, I gave them the love and joy of having a child which they wanted, which some people pay thousands of pounds for if they can't have them. Plus I have to go through life because of them. I'm grateful I had nice parents and what they've done for me which they didn't have to (eg how they've helped me since I turned 18 and they are no longer legally required to look after me), but I think we're even. As the breeders say when they get all sugary and emotional "being a parent is the best job in the world" and "nothing compares to the love of a child" :sick: blah blah- so going by that, if anything I'd say they owe me!


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Unread postPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:11 am 
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No, I don't owe my parents anything. They chose to have me, and take on the responsibility of caring for me.

However, I got really lucky in terms of the birth lottery; my parents are pretty awesome, and I love them. I'd do a lot for them- not because I owe them, but because I want to. Because they are special people to me.

IMO, if you love someone, gifts are just that- gifts. Caring for someone isn't about some kind of exchange of debt or responsibility, it's just about wanting a loved one to be happy. I'd feel awful if my friends/loved ones felt as though my kindness was about eventually being paid back, rather than something given freely. (In no small part because I've dealt with emotional abuse that comes in that exact package- giving gifts that you can't refuse without seeming ungrateful, and then being obligated to obey the gift-giver, because they've done so much for you! Show some gratitude!) So, at least by my estimation, if parents truly love their children as unconditionally as the pronatalists claim, they wouldn't want their children to feel as though they owe them.

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Then they came for the Jews, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Jew.
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Unread postPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:23 am 
CarryOn wrote:
...but they also could have chosen to be a lot less so (and still be well within the legal system), and they could have been downright neglectful and likely not been punished for it.


Parents don't get any points from me for this. If you bring a child into the world, you have to do your best.

Quote:
probably trip over the word “owe” - that implies an obligation, and no, I don’t feel guilted or obligated to do things for my parents. What I do is done because I appreciate what they’ve done (and would do) for me.


This! Still, many people seem to think that all parents deserve help from their children, no matter how abusive and shitty the parents were, for all the dumb reasons I listed.

I also agree with Maura and Guest. Xamra, I understand you feel trapped sometimes but you truly follow your heart and you probably would regret it if you chose otherwise. I think that's great. I would have done the same for my grandmother.


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Unread postPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:58 am 
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My parents have been for the most part decent, loving and supportive, so yes, I do feel I owe it to them to look out for them as they get older. I live in another country so I know I won't be there for the day to day stuff but with my sister I will have to work out what I can do to help out.

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Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 4:39 pm 
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Maura wrote:
However, I got really lucky in terms of the birth lottery; my parents are pretty awesome, and I love them. I'd do a lot for them- not because I owe them, but because I want to. Because they are special people to me.

This is me too. I'll do whatever I can to look after them as they get older, not because I owe them, but because they're pretty cool people and I like them. They certainly don't feel that I have any obligation to look after them either - I know that they'd rather have teeth pulled than ask me to do anything for them.

If they'd been shitty parents, then I'd have no problem telling them to go to hell and sort it out themselves.

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Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:45 pm 
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^^^ That’s how my folks are - they can’t abide being a burden, and we’ll find out months later that they were in some kind of distress and didn’t tell anyone.

They’ve already got their funerals/burials bought, and they’ve already got their nursing home needs worked out should that become necessary.

Now *that’s* good parenting! :)

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live as one wishes to live: and unselfishness is letting other people's
lives alone, not interfering with them."
-- Oscar Wilde


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