I am wondering about this one. On one hand if they could respect the CF choice and not sucker and harass the CF person into being a parent then it might work(like if they were not the primary custodial parent). On the other hand the custodial parent could be bat$hit crazy, thus making life hell for the couple(possibly leading to custody). I remember reading a womans horror story on one forum, it was about how she was CF and engaged to a man that had a child, but he only saw the kid a couple times a year. Long story short, the childs mother was livid that this man would not marry her, left her, and moved on with someone who did not want children, and thus did everything in her power to make this woman's life awful. I personally do not see it as an option, maybe just maybe I might be able to make an exception, but a child is a big dealbreaker for me.
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 2:32 am Posts: 1041 Location: Canada
I don't think I would, as you mentioned, there are just so many variables to consider. I don't want to be a parent - that includes being a step-parent. I suppose if the person I was with found out they had a child they didn't know about...I don't know...it's just so much more complicated with children!
_________________ "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anais Nin
I have. My first boyfriend already had a baby then he got me pregnant and I didn't have it. He never met my Mother - He'd never even pull up to the front of my house, He'd be slick and pull pass. He messed with the condom and told me after the fact (I had to get knocked up for him to come clean that he manipulated the protection and got me pregnant on purpose)...
So NO. If I'm dating someone they better not have any kids like me. Needless to say my last ex boyfriend was older than my first older by 10 years (he's 33 now) - and kept pumping this "We're gonna have a baby" and actually tried but never got me knocked up (I think he can't have kids and knows he can't...) but anyways ---- Never again will I date someone who has kids or a man who has a freakish obsession with wanting one or baby fever (probably because he's in his 30's so he's done all the fooling around in his 20's/college freak days)
_________________ "Trust you if you're trustful, Use you if you're useful" - Tricky
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:08 am Posts: 3768 Location: UK
I have dated a custodial parent in the past. Without going into the boring detail here (I think I have on other threads) everything you would imagine to happen came to pass.....
The barking mad ex causing trouble The being relegated to 20th position The intrusion on privacy from the kid The expectation of picking up some 'mothers duties' The spineless parenting from the father and wanting to 'keep the peace' rather than dealing with the issues The odious teenagerdom
Blah, blah, blah........
Never, ever and a squillion times ever, would I do it again.......Against my better judgement I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt when he said it wouldn't impact on me and our relationship...Yeah right!
_________________ 'I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability'..Oscar Wilde
'Let it be awful, let it be wonderful, but let it be uncommon'.......
You don't know what the relationship with their ex might be like; not all splits are amicable and some women can cause major issues when their exes move on;
Chances are they will be looking after/seeing the children at least occasionally; I do not like children and would not want to be in a situation of spending my weekends looking after someone else's kids;
We would probably differ on quite fundamental things, eg, my not liking kids; I can't see that going down well with someone who has them, and I wouldn't hide that part of myself for someone.
A lot of people say they'd consider it if the kids are older; but what about when they have kids, and your partner is now a doting grandparent? Again, I just don't like kids, and wouldn't want to play grandmother at weekends/holidays.
So no, I don't think I would. But never say never. Hopefully it'll never come to that though; I have no plans to split up with my OH lol
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2009 11:58 am Posts: 6058 Location: London, England
I don't know if you count this, but I would date someone who had adult children.
how far it would go would depend on a lot of things.
once again, for me, so much of it would be about money. If I lived with someone who had adult children, it would have to be in a physical space large enough that if adult kids were hanging around a lot, they wouldn't annoy me if we didn't get on well.
there is the problem of ending up living with someone who has grandchildren too. I can't imagine I'll be any more tolerant of little kids when I'm 60, in fact, I'll probably be less!
I too would be worried about whether they really understood the CF choice but I guess another advantage is that someone who has adult kids has done it already and there is a type that just won't want to do it again.
_________________ "Life is a matter of passing time enjoyably. There may be other things in life, but I've been too busy passing my time enjoyably to think very deeply about them." Peter Cook
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:57 pm Posts: 1046 Location: Canada
My BF has a teenage daughter. He's much older than me, which is the only reason our relationship works. If he had the opportunity he would have had more children. Luckily, he's smart enough to realize that he's too old to be having more children, but it was definitely a heavy topic of discussion early on in our relationship.
It's actually kind of fun now. Since I'm so much younger than him, everyone assumes he's going through some mid-life crisis and that his only goal is to impregnate me. They get confused when they realize we're together just because we love each other
His daughter is very mature for her age and as a result, I get along with her very well. If she had been younger when I met my BF I would have walked away, but she was already 12 when we started dating. My BF also put absolutely no pressure on me to become a mother figure. I'm basically a mentor/older friend with no parenting responsibility whatsoever.
I like having a lot of space and independence in the relationship, but it still sucks not being able to do things. His finances suck because of how much he's shelling out for child support each month, so he can't afford to do a lot of the things I would like to do with him.
I would never date a man with young children, but I wouldn't entirely rule out dating a man with grown children in the future. It's definitely a lot more work than dating a CF man though. The guy really has to be worth it to put up with the extra crap.
I married one. You really can't help who you fall in love with. My ex husband had a 3 yr. old when we met. He had custody on weekends. We managed to work out our issues and the marriage lasted 23 yrs. He was a good and responsible parent, to me as well as to his child. Had he dumped his kid to enjoy the single life with me I never could have loved or trusted him. It was understood that I had no responsibility to become an in loco parentis figure. In the big picture his son and I got along pretty well and I think it might have been good for the kid to know a CF adult who a bit more playful and loose than any parent he had known.
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:53 pm Posts: 3778 Location: Boise, ID
I dodged a real bullet on this one, and didn't even realize it at the time. When I was in my 20s I was crazy about a guy who was recently divorced and had 2 small children. I was young and stupid and it never occurred to me that I could end up being their stepmom. I was only infatuated with him. Thankfully the relationship didn't work out and now I am so glad it didn't.
If I were dating at my age now, most guys near my age would have grown or nearly-grown kids. That's no guarantee, however, that there won't be any drama. Sometimes it can be even worse. Frankly, if I lost DH I might date again, but I don't want to get married or live with anyone. So if I was casually dating someone I wouldn't care if they had grown kids or not - unless the kids started to be a problem. Then I'd be gone. Basically, I have no interest in a serious relationship again if I lose the one I'm in right now. It would all be casual, just to have someone to talk to and do a few things with. I don't want to get close to anyone again.
_________________ "A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it." -- D. H. Lawrence
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