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Unread postPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2014 12:23 am 
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I had a rough childhood. I admit I had some insecurities around being able to be purely loving to kids when I worked with them but when I finally did, it didn't matter.

I was also told by women in the locker rooms when I was a very young child, "pushing a baby out is the closest thing pain-wise to death without dying."

When I went to try surfing down a icy hill on a board(forgot what it's called). I fell like 100 times and dragged the board down tied to my feet sliding down the hill on my arse....I went into the pro shop and said this must be as bad as birthing a baby from what I've heard, and they said harder....we'll eek I won't do either ever again. Skiing of any sort in my mind is for the birds too.

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Unread postPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2014 9:20 am 
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I had a good childhood, not perfect, but good. My mom had 5 kids in 11 years and she still worked, even night shift frequently, and yet somehow it never seemed like she was absent. She got us ready for school, cooked dinner every night, came to our games and recitals, kissed us goodnight, and none of us were ever in daycare. My dad loved us and did his duties but I don't think he really understands children because the older we got, the more involved he was in our lives. I've almost never seen my parents argue and they still flirt with each other after 30 odd years.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why I'm CF but I will say part of it is because of my mom. While she is a champion with kids she doesn't really know how to handle adults (opposite of my dad, they make a good team) so as we grew up she continued parenting the only way she knew how: by treating us like kids. She's oppressive, nosy, manipulative, and, often times, somewhat nuts.

All 5 of us have rebelled against the confines she tried to keep us in and because of it, we all have a strained relationship with my mother. I have an especially bad time with her and we can't go five minutes without getting into a huge blowout.
Part of the reason I don't want kids is because I've seen first hand that you can do everything right with your kids, sacrifice your entire being for them, and they could still treat you like dirt in return.

(But it's all worth it, right?? :roll:) Ha!

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Because I am the child of a good mother, but she is not the mother of a good child.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2014 5:55 pm 
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Location: Utah
Childhood and early adulthood for me were both brutal. Abusive father, codependent mother, I was stuck in a strict religion that warped me views on everything from roles in adulthood, to what women were and weren't allowed to do. I was bullied from 4th-12th grade.

That being said, I never was instinctively maternal. I had plenty of dolls growing up, all of them Barbies. I loved her luxurious and free lifestyle advertised- great clothes, cool careers, etc.

Because of genetically and environmentally imposed mental illness, I know for a fact I would be a very subpar mother. I benefit enough from enjoying my niece and several nephews in small amounts. That's enough for me.


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Unread postPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 5:26 pm 
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Location: Toronto, Canada
I don't take it the wrong way at all. It's a topic that needs to be discussed. :)
I get bingoed all the time with "oh you had a rough childhood". I did have a pretty crappy childhood and I cannot lie. No I don't want to go through that again. But, it's just one of the reasons I chose to be CF, and not even the main one.
My parents both came from lousy, abusive households and both wanted children of their own. So do alot of the abused people I know. I think an abusive background is often used to validate the misconception people have that if you don't want kids something must be wrong with you, esp. emotionally.
Statistics show that people with bad childhoods are MORE likely to desire families of their own, so my psychologist says. They want the stable home they didn't have as kids, a corrective experience.


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Unread postPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:57 am 
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I would definitely be a different person if I had never been abused as a child. It certainly is a factor. However, there is no way of knowing if I still would have wanted to be sterilized. Even before I was sexually abused I wasn't a typical girl, never fantasized about being a mother. I was also aware, early on, how hard it was on my mother being a single parent of unplanned children. In my mind, there was always more to do and an easier life than being a mother.

My abusive childhood taught me that no parent can protect a child 100%. In the U.S. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by age 18. I don't like those odds. Also, being sexually abused during childhood highly increases a person's odds of being sexually abused or physically abused as an adult. I experienced that also - I know that phenomenon is real. If my hypothetical child were ever sexually abused I would be heartbroken. Even if it were a smidge of what happened to me - that's too much. My mother was sexually abused as a child and her mother also. I would know what signs to look for, I would know what to say to my child about sexual abuse in hopes of prevention or being told if it does happen, and I would deal with it much much better than my mother and grandmother did, but I'm just not up for risking that.

My mother's husband was abusive in every way and I was stuck with him for 18 years. He made me cater to his needs, sexual and psychological, so much, so inappropriately, and so overwhelmingly that I am very careful with what I give to people. I take care of my partner, I take care of my few friends, I can help out my family, but it's a strong enough aversion that I don't want a pet. I take care of people who are already independent. I don't have the interest, will, or energy for dependents. I just want to take care of myself now, foremost, and live my own life. A sociopath hijacked it for long enough and my first boyfriend (also abusive) also used up enough of my life.

If I really, really had to take care of a child, I could do it. Like if my brother had a child and then died and no one else better could be the guardian, I would do it. I will probably be my autistic half-brother's guardian eventually, so there's also that claim on my energies.

My abusive childhood is not the only reason for my decision to not be a parent, especially a biological parent. There are many more reasons, also.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2014 6:25 am 
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To answer you question: no, I didn't have a bad childhood. It was hectic and chaotic at times but fairly normal.

The only time I think it got really bad was when my parents divorced and things got rough. But I came through, it was a learning experience although there were really bad moments I'd rather not go into. Nothing abusive or violent but were very bad experiences involving both my dad and mom that I'd rather not relive or relate... at least right now.

I came to the decision, while still living with my father, not to have children due to doing a lot of thinking, self-evaluation and research. I discovered I was not fit to be a parent not to mention I am not fond of children. Also the fact I have a mental disability that is very likely to be passed on genetically. I'm not comfortable imposing that onto someone.

Plus, being what you would call a philanthropic antinatalist, I find that bringing a child into this messed up existence to be selfish, immoral and irrational. We need to fix the messes we've made, make a better world and try loving the people already here.

Those factors also sealed the deal as well as the vasectomy I had at 24.

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"Nothing seems to me more monstruous than having a child to enslave him and make him study 20 years and work another 50." - Roland Behrens


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Unread postPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 11:22 pm 
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I'm sorry to hear about all the people in this thread who have suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them. I hope you can all get to a place in your lives where no one can hurt you again, and where you can start healing.

Aside from having divorced parents, some bullying in junior high, and an emotionally manipulative stepmom, I had about as idyllic a childhood as you could imagine. I wanted for nothing, was encouraged in all my interests, generously given emotional and financial support, and generally brought up in a caring and respectful manner. I am very lucky to have the childhood and the background that I do.

My childhood really isn't one of the reasons why I choose to be childfree, though I suppose I can definitely say that I have no faith in my ability to provide as good an upbringing as my parents did for me. I don't have the ability to care for a child in such a fashion, or any faith that any offspring I would have would be able to live a life better than my own, given the burgeoning overpopulation and environmental issues at hand. I cannot in good faith justify condemning another sentient being to a life of suffering, nor can I justify adding to the overpopulation issue and causing more suffering for others.

Finally, my parents gave me many tools to be successful and pursue an enjoyable meaningful life for myself, and having a child would throw all that away.

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“First they came for the Socialists, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller


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Unread postPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 4:34 pm 
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I had a mother who never wanted children and she said so. She was never abused by her parents, in fact she was the favorite. But she was pretty cold and could be quite nasty at times. My dad was quiet and always deferred to her. He liked kids and treated my sisters and me well unless my mom told him to discipline us at her whim.

My two sisters always wanted to be moms and each had two kids. They are good moms. I never wanted kids and didn't have them.

I think few people will tell you they had idyllic childhoods. We all can remember some kind of unfairness and hurt. Many may have felt true abuse. But then many of these who were truly abused went on to be great parents rather than not be parents at all. I went to school with a girl who did this.

I think abused kids become parents more than not. I doubt that being abused in childhood deterrs anyone from having children. Sometimes they abuse their children because they can't realize there is any other way to raise children. The cycle continues unless there is intervention.

How many parents say to their kids in frustration "Wait 'til you have kids of your own?" That's suppose to be meant as irony but in the case of child abuse it's more of a vicious circle.

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"Stop trying to dissuade fools, you are not the idiot whisperer"


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Unread postPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 10:53 pm 
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This is my first post and probably quite fittingly so.

I grew up in a single parent household (mom. Dad lived in Mexico with his new wife), the youngest (older sister by 2 years, older brother by 4) and felt loved. My mom didn't remarry or have any boyfriends ever growing up.
I liked playing with Ponies and Barbies, but didn't really care for Cabbage Patch Kids and other dolls that are supposed to be cared-for children. I was always more interested in animals and playing outside and was a bit of a tomboy.
I didn't like boys when some of the other kids my age did, I never dreamed of my perfect wedding, I never thought about seriously how many kids I would have when I grew up. I did have grand plans about all the animals I would have when I grew up, however. breeds, names, number...

All that said, My sister was the favorite. Brother had some issues and was shipped away to some style of juvie when I was quite young. Sister was Perfect and Wanted. I, was...we were always treated the same, except for when we weren't. Christmas one year I remember vividly and am still quite sore about 20+ years later; we each got a sweater. Mom says "it's cashmere" and I was really excited. and then mom says "actually, Another Fool, yours is wool; your sisters is cashmere." at which point the beaming smile i had was replaced with a frown of "why would you do this to me?"

many years later I read a book I loved that had some influence on my life in a variety of ways. One of the biggest things I took from the book was this: "I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man; or ask a man to live for mine." having a child is the epitome of living your life for someone else. you are no longer an individual, everything you do has to be for your child(ren). you want sleep? too bad, your baby is crying. You wanted to eat? too bad, your kid has homework they need help with. You wanted to have a night out? too bad, your teenager is having a teenager moment...you wanted to retire before you hit 80? still too bad, your kid needs something else. no matter the age, they are always your children and you must always give up everything for your child otherwise you're a terrible person...
Not once have I considered the possibility of getting pregnant on purpose or on accident and carrying the baby to term.

I also later heard the phrase I think from Planned Parenthood "every child should be a wanted child" and I wasn't. or if I was, I never felt like it. there are far too many kids in foster homes, if you "need" to have children, take one of them. change a life and contribute something good to society in that way.


TL;DR I had an "average" childhood and I don't think it influenced my decision to not want children and to be firmly in that category for my entire life.


Last edited by Stacey on Sun Jan 04, 2015 10:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Adding post author :)


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Unread postPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:21 am 
MissPiggy wrote:
I had a dysfunctional family upbringing -- shit male parent, wonderful mother -- so not a blissful childhood. I could easily have overcome that if I had actually wanted/liked children. The main effect was to make me absolutely determined to have financial independence and be generally anti-marriage. I saw that my mother had her options for escape severely curtailed because she had responsibility for two other people besides herself. She couldn't just walk out. If I had wanted children, I would have preferred to be a single mother, and only done it with sufficient resources of my own.

But I have never had the least desire to create or raise another human.


I had a similar childhood, and the same outlook.


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