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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:29 pm 
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How many of you had bad/dysfunctional childhoods? Did having a bad childhood have any impact on your decision to be cf?

As for those who had good childhoods, did this have any impact on your cf decision?

I look at this in two ways: just because you had a bad childhood doesn't mean that you can't go on to have your own family and have a better life. But on the other hand, sometimes it is best to say say that the 'buck' stops with you. Many people don't learn from their childhoods and are likely to make the same mistakes.

But when people assume something bad happened to you as a child therefore you are cf, that is offensive.

I saw a thread on The Childfree Pub a while back, named 'Parenting is triggering' and it got me thinking about this.
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=27068&hilit=parenting+is+triggering

The lady in the link was struggling to parent her child, and this was triggering flashbacks to her own horrible childhood.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:32 pm 
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No my childhood did not influence my decision. I believe in the saying that tells us what happens in our childhoods is not our fault but as an adult we are 100% responsible for fixing it.

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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:02 pm 
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I had a dysfunctional family upbringing -- shit male parent, wonderful mother -- so not a blissful childhood. I could easily have overcome that if I had actually wanted/liked children. The main effect was to make me absolutely determined to have financial independence and be generally anti-marriage. I saw that my mother had her options for escape severely curtailed because she had responsibility for two other people besides herself. She couldn't just walk out. If I had wanted children, I would have preferred to be a single mother, and only done it with sufficient resources of my own.

But I have never had the least desire to create or raise another human.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:19 pm 
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ChiQ wrote:
I believe in the saying that tells us what happens in our childhoods is not our fault but as an adult we are 100% responsible for fixing it.


I agree.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 6:53 pm 
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No, I had a 'normal' childhood. My husband on the other hand, had a bit of a dysfunctional childhood, and he initially wanted kids. I have since converted him. He did say he just wanted kids because "that's what you do". He just had never thought that not having kids was actually an option. He still likes kids though, but I don't.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 7:42 pm 
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I credit my great childhood to my being CF. I was given a lot of freedom to play and imagine and pursue all my interests. I knew I was loved and well taken care of, so the freedom was even better because of it. As an adult, I see no reason to stop chasing the things that interest me, and has been a huge factor in me having NO interest in having kids. I'm too busy exploring and learning, there is no "void," and I'm living for myself, not for or through another human being.

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Unread postPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 8:16 pm 
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I see a shrink so that should tell you plenty and he believes my childhood has influenced everything.

I had the pleasure of growing up with two older sisters who constantly made fun of me from childhood all the way into my late 20s. I even told my shrink that if I ever did decide to have children, I would not have more than one because of I didn't want to put the child through the pain of having siblings.

My parents are awesome but growing up was tough because I did get yelled at and smacked around a lot. Now I wasn't physically abused but when I did get disciplined, my mother pulled my hair and slapped on occasions and sometimes my father would use the belt. My mother was more physical than my mother as she was short tempered.

School life sucked as I was made fun of a lot. I had very few friends. In fact I had imaginary friends LOL! I hated school and I hated the cliques. I had rocks thrown at me when I was 13, which wouldn't have been so bad if I had not had a corneal transplant years before.

I don't know if my decision was influenced all by childhood. I never had the urge to have kids. I had a doll as a child that I constantly pretended was my baby brother because I wanted an ally to keep me company if the sisters got mean. Of course my sisters loved to take the doll away from me and one of them hung him on the ceiling fan and turn it on. I was mortified. I knew he wasn't real, but it was the closest thing to having a sibling that never was nice to me.

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Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:46 am 
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I had a normal childhood - not perfect, not awful either. I think I am just one of these people who was born to be CF. My sister has two kids.

My mother has been doing the family tree and on one side there are families that were untypically small for the 18th and 19th century, even though the women didn't die in childbirth. I wonder if there is something in the genes.

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Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 4:19 pm 
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^^^ Same here. I think "normal childhood" equates to exactly that - some good, some bad. We had plenty of food and a place to stay, so I didn't grow up on the streets or in a shelter, but I got some kind of pretty extreme physical/mental abuse nearly daily, for the smallest infraction. Some good, some bad.

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Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 7:01 pm 
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I had a very dysfunctional childhood, but not because of bad parents. It's because my older sister is a psychopath and has been having violent outbursts since she was a child. By the time she was 12, she was bigger than my mom and was physically abusive towards her. (Yes, there is such a thing as parent abuse. And no, it's not caused by bad parenting.)

I think that experience opened my eyes, seeing that my parents had absolutely no control over the situation. That's a reality of parenting that most people don't even think about. Parents have so little control over the way their kids turn out. You can be the best parents in the world and still end up with a horrible kid. Having a kid with a severe mental illness (like my sister) is like having a kid who's autistic or mentally handicapped. You can't predict it and there's nothing you can do about it. No matter what your kids are like, you're stuck with them. Forever.

I wouldn't say that's the reason I'm CF though. Even if I had a crystal ball and I knew that my kids wouldn't have any problems, I still wouldn't want kids. Parenting normal kids is still a huge pain in the ass, and parenting in general is stressful and exhausting. I think I'd feel that way even if I had a great childhood.

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Now I wasn't physically abused but when I did get disciplined, my mother pulled my hair and slapped on occasions and sometimes my father would use the belt.


Um...no offense, but that does sound like physical abuse. It was obviously done in anger.


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