This was a topic that came out of this thread. I did a quick search, and I don't think it's really been covered at length so far. For you youngsters, this might not mean anything just yet, and it also might not for you happily married to a CF spouse (goddamn, you're lucky.) But for us older single people, the dating pool becomes more shallow every year, and those black-and-white issues start to become different shades of grey as you get older.

I don't think most people desire to be alone for the rest of their lives. Even the Crazy Cat Lady or the Guy Who Could Be Mistaken for the Unabomber, no matter how self-sufficient they might be, would prefer, once in a while, to not be completely alone 100% of the time until death. As you leave your 20s and your 30s, though, the possibility of meeting someone with whom you're compatible in other ways (such as intellectually and physically) who doesn't have children and doesn't want any becomes increasingly slim, and those sharp black and white views become a little grey and fuzzy. All those "starter marriages" and the pressure to procreate, then the divorces a few years later really start to become apparent at my age. Whoo boy.

I think this is a little different for men than it is for women. Relatively few divorced men with children get custody. For the most part, it's women with custody (hopefully) receiving child support payments, and men (hopefully) making those child support payments. A very brief bit of interwebs research tells me that typically a father pays 25% of his income per child in child support? (someone correct me if I'm wrong.) This means that, in all likelihood, your role as a stepmother might be to supplement a single father's income, since a huge portion of his income goes to child support, even if the kids don't live with you. In all likelihood, your role as a stepfather might be to supplement the expenses that those child support payment's don't cover, because seriously, unless the father makes a lot, 25% of his income is not going to cover very much. Sorry to get so analitycal and all, but one of my many reasons of being CF is the fact that it increases my chances of financial freedom at an earlier age. But then again, I don't really want to end up living in a tin shack in a junkyard yelling at rats either, so I figure there has to be some kind of middle ground.

So I'm wondering what your "wiggle room" of that grey area is? For instance, if you completely "clicked" with someone, really liked them, and were really attracted to them, but they had 1-several kids, would you freak out at a certain number of kids? Likewise, if you met someone who didn't have kids and perhaps weren't very attracted to them, or perhaps just didn't have much in common with them, or both, would you find them more appealing just because they didn't have kids?

Don't need to be with anybody. I would indeed be quite happy alone. I don't need anyone to complete me as I complete myself. Having a partner is a bonus and this would have to be a pretty extrordinary individual for me to even bother.

As it is, I'm currently with such an individual. I wasn't looking for him and was indeed quite content without him. Having him around is simply a bonus, albeit one that came with risks that I considered very carefully.

So, no, I wouldn't be with someone just for the sake of being with someone, as if I'm desperate to fill some imaginary void in my life. Sure, a potential Souter having or even wanting kids is an automatic deal breaker, but I don't give special consideration to other childfree people simply for being childfree.

I won't date anyone who smokes either, but I'm not going to date someone I don't much care for simply on the basis that they don't smoke. What I'm saying is that just because a given quality is an automatic deal breaker, that doesn't mean that the opposite is an automatic shoo in.

As for kids, zero tolerance. I've thought about this carefully and I've decided that I will never even consider dating anyone who has kids, no matter how many, no matter how old the kids are, and no matter who has custody. Nor will I even consider dating someone who even has the smallest thought that they might want kids some day.

I won't date anyone who isn't 100% cf, but I won't date someone simply on the basis of being cf.

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Very well put, this is exactly how I feel about this too. I think a lot of CF could agree.

#1: thanks for the mods to moving this to the... step-whatever it is section. I didn't even know there was one, but if there is, apparently it's something we CFs encounter an awful lot.

I guess I'd better answer my own question. I hate to quantify things, but... well, I'm going to anyway... I quantify possibilities based on the number of kids and how old they are, because, let's face it, those factors are going to have an impact on your life, long-term. So 1 young kid = no big deal. Older kids (like in college) are no big deal either, since I feel like I'm stuck at their age anyway, and often we can relate. 2 young kids = question mark. 3+ young kids = big red flag.

OTOH, if I meet someone who doesn't have any kids (great!) but I have nothing to talk about with, they might as well be Kate Gosselin.

I'm another person who would be quite happy single for the rest of my life. I need no one to complete me. The thought of being dependent on another compatible person for my happiness sounds horrifying.

I'm not necessarily opposed to a relationship, but I am very protective of my alone time and my personal space, so anyone who I date has to meet my standards. If I'm perfectly happy single, I see no reason why I should compromise them. I'm more opposed to pregnancy and adding another person to this already overpopulated earth than I am to raising a kid (still on the fence about adoption/fostering), but having kids pushes the guy pretty close to deal-breaker territory. This means that any parent I date had better be near-perfect in all other aspects, and that probably isn't going to happen.

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I agree with all of this, kids of any age are a no-no, kids beget more kids......there is no grey or wiggle room on that one. But being CF is just one facet of someones situation and personality, it still doesn't guarantee a dipshit free zone or the fact that there just aren't enough areas of shared values and beliefs.

I'm fortunate, I did meet someone whose situation pretty closely met my 'comfort zone' ( it did take 48 years though) and there were some things I did 'bend' on. He's a smoker, but he doesn't smoke in the house, uses mouthwash and Febreeze liberally and I don't nag him about it. It was an area we found a compromise on andwe agreed the terms .... .

However I've been down the route of accommodations and being 'flexible' in my thinking about the kid stuff. It didn't work...for me, or him, because it turned my into an even more vitrolic and evil bastard than I am now. I didn't like how the stresses affected me and what I became.

I think we all have things that are non-negotiable and they differ from person to person. But like others have said, I'd rather be single than capitulate on the non-negotiables and being CF is just one element of many. The likelyhood is anyway, that as a female, you'll outlive your partner....so we all deal with singledom sooner or later.

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Hi! I read a lot from CF people here that have a zero tolerance policy on dating anyone with kids. My assumption is that they don't like kids at all (correct me if I'm wrong). I actually do like kids and am with a man that has 2 (they live with their mom most of the time). I thought it would be a deal breaker for me, but I fell in love with this man. He is the most wonderful partner I've ever had, and I have yet to feel second to his children - he takes great care of them, and of me.

I think being a step-parent can be ok if you like kids and if your partner really understands where you come from. They are not my kids and I have no desire to have a motherly bond with them of any kind (and honestly they have a mother and are not looking for that anyway, thank god). If we all go to the ballgame one day or the zoo, that could be fun and cool for a few hours. But, if one gets the flu and is sick and gross, i'm outta there and those are his responsibilities. I won't be making school lunches, dealing with tantrums, etc.

Maybe I will regret it more as time goes on (I've seen posts where that has happened), but I am trying to make it work and have seen it done by others that have no desire for kids (much more difficult to date a woman with children as they are always around). The dating pool does get smaller as you get older, and finding a good guy is not the easiest task either...and although I am also fine being alone, life is much more fun with someone special to share it with ..just my opinion. I wouldn't close the door on those with kids, but given the option it is certainly ideal to find someone without.

There are infinite shades of grey. I am in a successful marriage (5 years now) with a wonderful man who happened to have an 18 year old son when I met him. I was 39 and unfortunately had a broken marriage (ex husband was unfaithful) behind me and a couple of years prior had just ended a long term relationship with a guy who was rather too committed to his buddhism and not to me.

I never planned to be 39 and on my own. I had, however, reached a point of being very happy and at peace with my situation and had made a pact to only ever be with a guy again unless he added value to my life. My expectation and desire to seek someone was therefore at zero when I unexpectedly met my highly compatible husband.

Fast forward to now and we have a cool relationship - very supportive, fun, peaceful and intellectually stimulating. His son now has bought his own house with his girlfriend, I get on super well with him and all is well.

HOWEVER. You only would have to scroll through my older posts, if you could be bothered, to see what a rollercoaster journey it has been to get from a to b. I was so naive about what was involved in taking on a youngster (even a fully grown one) as a step child. I had no idea of the stresses of having a child rule your life and having almost nil authority over them - and also the strain it can put on your relationship when the parent you are with has a different view of bringing up children and suddenly here you are stuck in the middle.

We have had some serious ups and downs and it wasn't until my stepson finally moved out at aged 25 (!!! consider that one as a serious possibility...) that our lives could settle in to the peaceful state they are in now. I never regretted making the decision to be with DH, but there were days when I regretted moving in until after my SS had left home.

Would I do it all again? Yes, but differently. With better boundaries and clarity to protect myself and our relationship. I would be a lot more wary. There is a positive in that I do actually like young people and family but just in small doses, so this gives me that. I know I have made a huge positive impact on my SS's life (because I was the one prepared to give him tough love) and that feels good.

If I had been black and white and said "I won't date anyone with children" I would have missed out on DH and I can't imagine that. But that's just me and my choice.

If you are willing to accept shades of grey, I just say "be realistic and be prepared to work hard on things like communication and boundary-setting". And there are many variables to consider - the relationship your partner has with his/her ex and co-parent for one of them. Life can quickly become pretty hellish in a step parenting situation.

Thanks Feebee and lifeisgood for the first-person insight. Any guys want to chime in on this one?

I don't want to dwell too much on the financial end of it, but it is something I wonder about. I'd be curious to know how much the typical stepfather is affected financially. It seems pretty unlikely that most settlements actually result in child support payments that cover the cost of raising children.

One of the reasons I'm CF is because of the freedom it gives me (for instance, I can do things like quit my job and move across the country, which I just did,) and part of that freedom is financial.

I would possibly...just possibly...date someone with adult children who don't live at home. Children children...not a hope. And even with the adult children, it would be on the terms that I want little to nothing to do with any grandchildren.

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