I know we have a few stepparents on here who are CF/undecided and who got stepkids in the marriage. I'm actually the kid that a CF person got in the marriage!

When my mom and her husband, got together, I was 8. I remember asking him then if he had any children. He said no. My mom eventually told me that he just never wanted them. So when he met my mom and eventually married her, he got me, a kid-by-default.

Some people have asked how on Earth a CF person could be with someone who has kids. I asked him once, and he said that his life would be worse off without my mom in it, and he was willing to take on the challenge of living with a kid if it meant he could be with her. I can't say if I agree with that line of thinking, but seeing how happy he has made my mom, I'm glad that was the choice he made.

He and I are good friends, and I love him as a person, but he isn't my dad, and I'm not his daughter. We're both happy about that!

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http://xkcd.com/946/

It's great that it has worked out for both of you! Thanks for sharing

That's great to hear and I think the point is well made, he's not your dad and you're not his daughter. I think it can work if the CFer isn't sucked into being a parent.

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'I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability'..Oscar Wilde

'Let it be awful, let it be wonderful, but let it be uncommon'.......

I think that's a big part of it. When I see CF stepparents who are expected to parent, that's when the trouble seems to start.

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Completely agree. My BF is fully aware that I have no desire to be a parent and will not take on a parental role with his daughter. She and I are friends and I'll call her out if her behaviour warrants it, but that's as far as it goes. BF knows that if I had to take on a permanent parent role, I would bail.

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It seems to have worked out all right for you. Sounds like you and your stepdad have a similar relationship to mine with my husband's adult stepdaughter. She's his stepdaughter so I'm not even really her stepmother, but she considers him her Dad. She and I have fun together and really spending time together, but I've made it clear that I'm not ever going to try to be her mother. She has a mother. Her Mom is very cool because she does not resent the time we spend together. She doesn't feel threatened by me because she knows I'm not trying to take her place. I respect her and would never dream of interfering with their relationship.

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"A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it." -- D. H. Lawrence

Sounds like you both had firm boundaries and respected each other's. That's the only way it could have a chance at working. I'm guessing that's a pretty rare thing.

Wildwench and Jayd, you seem to have a similar arrangement, which is awesome to hear!

I think, given my choice, I'd have preferred a CF step, since that person wouldn't necessarily want to parent. I know that a lot of stepkids have problems when a stepparent tries to fill that parental role - we just kind of sidestepped that completely!

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Yes, I've found that being CF has made my relationship easier with both BF and his daughter. Because I have no interest in parenting, I got to know her as a person, rather than just as a child. She has a pretty confusing family arrangement with half-sisters, step-brothers and a step-father. Instead of adding to the confusion, I'm able to help as a role model, mentor, and friend. Because there's no tension between his daughter and I, my relationship with my BF is stronger and more stable as well. Win-win.

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My Travel Blog - Tales from the Backpack

I didn't really think about it until much later, but I think my stepfather was CF. He stayed in sort of an in-between place with me... not a father figure, not exactly a mentor. Since I had a dad, I didn't view him as a dad and he didn't try to make me. He didn't so much parent me as be someone sensible I could talk to.