Hi everyone, I'm a lurker. Love this site, btw.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a decade. I knew he had kids when I met him, and at the time I didn't mind. I was 18, head over heels for him and had no idea who I was as a person. As I grew older, I began to realize that I detest children, but I wanted so badly to make him happy that I buried my feelings/tried to change myself into someone I was not.

He does not have his own place yet (and neither do I, so I don't judge) so when I go over there its the family, his kids, other people's kids...and tbh it drives me crazy. I just want him to myself. His kids are great, but I don't really care for being a parental figure. It would be the same if I was someone else. It's not personal, that's just my personality. I don't like to come over when they're over b/c I feel like I'm hogging their dad (he insists that they are older and do their own thing). Plus, I made the mistake of buying them a present in the past to break the awkwardness...now I have the feeling that they expect me to take part in providing for them, which I totally do not want to do.

If I knew then what I do now, I would've "BEEP BEEP!" done like the roadrunner, but its far too late. I love him too much.
I feel like I need to pull away though, to maintain my sanity....you know, find some friends and hobbies of my own...discover my real self.

Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to come to a place where people wouldn't think I was crazy.

Yep, you are going to have to think this one through. Welcome. Hope you get it figured out.

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JJ

The choice to have children or not, the choice to marry or not, is nothing more than a LIFESTYLE choice and not any "requirement."

You didn't say how old the kids are. Will they be out on their own anytime soon? I hate to see you putting your life on hold, waiting for stolen moments to be with this man. You need to think about what you want for yourself. Maybe you think you can't live without him simply because you've been with him for so long. Sometimes we put up with situations because it seems too hard to move on. One of the things we all need to learn is when it is time to move on, no matter how hard it is. You can't change who he is. You can only change you and listen to what you need.

Oh, and welcome!!

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"A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it." -- D. H. Lawrence

Sounds like you're in a tough position. Finding your own friends and getting your own hobbies are always good things to do, whether you are in a relationship or not. How often does he have the kids and how often do you go over to his place? Is it possible for him to come over to your apartment a few times a week so you both can have alone time?



It doesn't really matter what they expect. You are not their mother or their step mother. If you don't want to provide for them, then don't.

Good luck figuring out what to do. It's always tough when you love someone with kids (as their kids will almost always be their first priority).

Thanks. This has been on my mind for a reeeally long time.

Thanks, I'm happy to find this site.

He has a daughter who is about to turn 13 and a 10 year old son. I remember when I first told him that I don't like kids and he said that was a turnoff. LOL.....I should've ran then.
I totally get what you're saying about getting used to being with him so long. However, he did tell me I didn't have to worry too much about "kid issues" and that he just wants me to have his back.....not worry about financial support, "parenting". I'm definitely gonna have to break it down for him and let him know who I really am and want I want/don't want....hopefully we can compromise.

In the beginning of our relationship he barely got to see his kids, but nowadays he gets them more frequently. It really depends on how the children's mother is feeling at the moment, or if they are on punishment, or whatever lol. The son really enjoys coming over, but the daughter is pretty much a teen and gets bored; she doesn't want to play with a bunch of little boys. He actually seems to pay me more attention than kids at times...saying that they are "grown" and don't want to be under daddy all the time.

He does pay his child support and he pays rent at the house, but after all is said and done, there is not much left over to do anything. And yes it is VERY frustrating to know that I will never really be first. Not to mention the "baby momma" calls him asking for extra money for the kids (what is she doing with the child support?! and she has a husband also, so what is he doing?!). I also get irritated when she calls him to talk. I know they have to talk for the sake of the kids, but I do get jealous and uncomfortable. Especially since they seem to get along pretty well.

With all this going on, I just feel like a speck on the wall of his life. That is why I seriously need to find a life outside of this, so I won't go crazy dwelling on all of this.

PS- I live at home with my mom, so there goes that idea.

I'm sorry to hear your story, but my advice would have to be...'bite the bullet and get the hell out' or draw clear lines of demarcation and stop being there when the kids are. If you do that though, I can guarantee you will see less and less of your boyfriend until you conclude yourself that there is no point in the relationship anymore. The kids will always come first and his attitude will be 'you should understand and accept that'...

Your issue isn't just the kids, it's the mother and she seems to be getting worse in relation to off-loading the kids as and when it suits her.

I've been in a similar suitation (not the same, but similar) I found my time with the then boyfriend was dictated, not only by the kid, but mainly by the mother.

You were 18 when you met him and that was 10 years ago, the youngest is 10......so that means the mother was either pregnant with the kid or just had it. There's something about that that bothers me, but I can't quite put my finger on it......I may come back to that..

It may seem really hard, frightening, counter intuitive, to walk away from a guy you consider to be the love of your life. But you're young and have known nothing else. Don't let fear of the unknown stop you from living your life and getting what you want from it.

After 4 years with my then boyfriend (I was in my forties though, so less of the fear of the unknown for me) I ditched him. I have a post on another thread somewhere about what that relationship ending up looking like, in short, I (and our relationship) was way down the list of priorities after the kid and the kid's mothers dictates.

I'm with a CF guy now and we share the same views on kids, parenting and other beliefs and values. There are men out there who share your point of view, this board is testament to that, don't condemn yourself to an unhappy and stressful relationship where you will never be the priority in someones life. You deserve better..........

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'I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability'..Oscar Wilde

'Let it be awful, let it be wonderful, but let it be uncommon'.......

It sounds to me that, in your head at least, you're already out of there.

This is all you've known. Why not try something else? You are young and life is passing you by while you're with this man.

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Gib mir den Doughnut. Velociraptors love doughnuts.

I dont think you should stay with him, you two seem to have two different views and the relationship between you guys will probably become unhealthy.