Hurrah! I just read this entire thread, and I want to give you sixteen high fives, an honorary set of brass balls and a night out at the bar.
Your money might be gone, but you can certainly take your life back. Your family are a bunch of toxic, greedy assholes, and it serves them right that after they push and push and take and take, that you've finally had enough of their grasping and manipulation. You, chick, are a freaking star, and I salute you.
The kids (any of them) and their parents shitty finances are not your problem. You didn't make any of it, and it's time for your family to face up to their own crappy choices, and the consequences of. No more money. No more help. Not even a conversation, until they can learn to knock on your door without their hands out. Unless you cut the cord, these people will never learn. They may not anyway, but it's nothing to do with you.
I wish you the best of luck with your new life ... and remember, NO is, and always will be, a complete sentence.
Now go and have a fabulous dinner out with that lovely man of yours, and raise a glass to telling these losers to eff off. "clink"!!!!
_________________ "Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions."
Thank you, Pikasam! I really feel like this forum has been a huge help to me. I have been surrounded by life script = right, all my life, and still am. My inner voice of reason led me to question the life script, but those questions I had, when voiced outside the forum, were always answered with a bingo. It has been so valuable finally finding a place where others feel the same way that I do. Many people outside this forum would probably be horrified that I refused to take responsibility for my sister's 5 children, would believe that any of my earnings I spend on my own family are wasted and should be handed over to my family with kids.
If I were you, I would cut off all contact with your family. They sound toxic, disrespectful and manipulative. I thought my family was awful, but yours takes the cake.
The fact that you share DNA markers doesn't mean that you are obligated to them. I hate the assumption that if someone is related to you, that it's okay for them to treat you like shit and you still owe them respect and love. My mum's side of the family tried that shit on me.
You have every right to spend your hard-earned money on YOU. If you feel like buying a $400 handbag or vacation in the Bahamas, that's YOUR RIGHT! You worked for your money, so you should spend it however you see fit. You don't owe your family one goddamn cent.
You aren't obligated to take in your sister's children, even if she dies. You're not the one responsible for creating them in the first place, therefore you aren't responsible for them. If my brother had kids and he died and there was no one else to care for them, I would just ignore them and turn them away. I have no patience for children at all.
You should pursue your $200k with as much legal force as you can.
Damn, $200K? Seriously, the kind of money that can be used to buy a house. A frickin' house! And there you were stuck living in an apartment with some smokies that could have killed you with fire! Even if you owe them in a past life, I'd say you're done. You've gone way past the limit of your duty to them. You've even gone past the limit of your charity to them. Talk about getting an inch and taking a mile.
I can't BELIEVE she left those messages with her kids crying. I have extra heaps of bitterness toward parents who emotionally damage their own kids to use them to manipulate other people.
Right? What fuckery is this? What a turd that moo is. This "asking someone to be a guardian, just in case" thing is supposed to be in the best interests of the kids. This action shows moo doesn't really give a shit about the best interests of the kids.
Yummus - I didn't think there was any legal way a court could order you to take on a child, at least in the UK. But I felt it was important to put it in black and white because if the parents died and they had said to others that I was taking the kids, I would have proof that I refused. I suspect it was also good for them to see it in black and white, as sadly the type of fool that thinks a CF person would be pleased to have kid needs to have the "no" drummed into them.
That blog I linked is written by a lawyer in the US, but I don't know if these things vary by state. I have read that it is possible to refuse when it comes down to it, even if the person has agreed to be guardian earlier. So even a real prior agreement isn't ironclad. That's why responsible parents would appoint back up guardians. This is especially why no responsible parents would just write someone's name in without telling them and ASSume it'll work.
One thing I noticed about all those guides to parents about guardians, is that even the guides seem to assume people will want the kids. One guide said something to the effect of: "appoint guardians in your will to avoid your friends and relatives fighting over custody." Fighting over custody? Ha! I'll fight to avoid having custody, thank you very much. "The friends and relatives that you didn't choose as guardians might feel snubbed" - oh please please please snub me in this way, I beg of you.
Even the (very tiny) part talking about someone possibly having to refuse to take on the guardianship, talks about it as if the person would be refusing reluctantly. "The appointed guardian may not be able to take on the guardianship when the time comes due to unforeseen circumstances." As if being "unable" would be the only reason someone would ever refuse to be a guardian. Oh, never "unwilling", oh noes.
Some of these guides need to put in a section that says: "This is a huge favor you're asking of somebody. Don't throw a hissyfit if they say no." Nothing in these guides prepare parents for being told no. They give parents the false impression that people will be very pleased to have the "honor" of taking their kids in the event of their death, and the people who didn't get this "great honor" will be sooo disappointed. Ha!
We need our own guide that tells us how to deal with being asked to be guardian.
Even people who already like children would have to think about it: http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2011/03/ ... -children/ The comments are full of bleeding heart "I would say yes without even thinking about it" sentimental types, but I think even they would be taken aback by selfishwoman's sister's demand that she dump her husband for the "great honor" of getting to raise the children. Damn, that was just beyond the pale.
The commenters pushing for a yes seem to boil it down to: "how can you possibly say no to orphans" (Because you "can't say no", say yes even if you don't really want to. Great idea. Not like there are consequences or anything.) and "The kids probably won't end up needing a guardian anyway" (It's the responsible thing to do to take this seriously. Going along just to get along will deprive the parents of a chance to ask people who aren't only agreeing because they think they'll never have to live up to the promise.)
It was interesting to read the comment from someone who really did become a guardian that there's all kinds of paperwork for the guardian to wade through and social workers and the like invading your home all the time to check on the kids. Without a doubt it is an assload of trouble and not something to be taken lightly.
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2009 11:58 am Posts: 6058 Location: London, England
. My TCFL screen name was given to me by my family-it was their favorite bingo. They don't believe that people without children deserve to live well.
You know, I actually wondered about that, because I think the first thread where I saw you, you mentioned giving money to relatives, and also I think some practical help - because I remember thinking it was some kind of silly joke, or that you wished you could be selfish.
_________________ "Life is a matter of passing time enjoyably. There may be other things in life, but I've been too busy passing my time enjoyably to think very deeply about them." Peter Cook
Thanks for posting the link about guardianship, Yummous! That's exactly how they felt, like I was being given this tremendous gift, and were shocked that I even had to think about it, which is where the "It's not a life sentence" statement from my mother came from.
Some of the comments in there are interesting, including one woman who got incensed because the author had to think about it, and said that if it was her, she'd retract her offer.
People are insane.
This has started to make me wonder if I should name a guardian for my pets? Does anyone have a guardian for their pets?
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 4:34 am Posts: 361 Location: UK
I reckon this is probably the most shocking thread I've ever read on TCFL. I read the first few pages and I confess that I was thinking,
"Is this hypothetical? It must be, every new post from SW adds a new layer to the nightmare, this surely can't be real..."
Then the revelation that there really are people who actually DO behave like this.
I can't believe that your family have such gall and such a total inability to recognise their hypocrisy when they labelled you as selfish. They took a VAST sum of money that you worked hard for from you with no intention of paying it back "because they have, y'know, kids" and they call you selfish? It beggers belief. I know that these children are having a rough time of it but your wretched family need to realise that the children are victims of their stupidity and their stupidity alone and that they are responsible for dealing with it, not you. I'm so sorry that you've been put in such a terrible situation, nobody deserves that, particularly not somebody who's sacrificed their own opportunities so utterly selflessly to make amends for the lack of foresight of others.
I will join everybody else in wishing you the best of luck and a lifetime of happiness with your REAL family, your fiance (who sounds like a genuinely great bloke BTW, CF and yet he instantly agreed to help care for the kids - he's a better man than me) and your pets. Those are who you chose to be your family, the 'family' that circumstance gave you don't behave like family to you at all and you're better rid of them!
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 2:32 am Posts: 1041 Location: Canada
Pete3278 - I actually thought it was hypothetical too - I HONESTLY thought I was being a bit silly even asking for that clarification. I thought, "People wouldn't treat their own family like this, but I'll just check." I was nearly joking...I feel sickened (physically and emotionally) by the way they've treated SW. I know people can be horrible, and that comes in MANY variations, but I'm sad it's happening to you SW.
I'm so glad you are setting a new standard - letting them know they can't do this - people can't hurt you if you don't let them. That's not meant as a critisism (I'm sure we've all been there in one way or another), but these people don't deserve a space in your new life - they HAVE NOT EARNED ONE!!
My heart still feels a twinge when I think about the fire and their heartlessness...
_________________ "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anais Nin
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