I think my family hates me. This feels like they are trying to tear me down and destroy my whole life. At the very least, it is obvious that they don't respect me, my relationship, or the life I've worked so hard to make for myself. It's like I'm the unhired help.

Fuck 'em. I'm saying no and cutting them all out for good. Sorry nieces and nephews, you deserve a better family, and so do I. Tough beans.

I wish you all the best and strength in this. It's tough, but sometimes tough is best. You're related, but they don't own you. You have to take care of yourself first (at least, that's what I believe), because people like this will suck you dry both financially and emotionally...

As I read this thread, I was saying to myself "selfishwoman needs to cut her entire family out of her life and make it clear that there is no way in hell that she is going to take responsibility for those brats". The thing that moved me from "just say no, firmly and repeatedly" to "cut her family loose" was the statement that they wanted you do dump your SO for your sister's brats. That indicates a total invalidation of your life's choices, just to bail out your sister's stupidity/lack of planning/general fuckedupedness

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WWTLD --- What Would Tyrion Lannister Do?

Cutting out your family is never easy, but sometimes, it's for the best. And I think you've made a good decision.

Edited to add:


I missed this part. So you're already on hard times and they think it's the time for you to be taking in children?!? No. Just no. Good that you decided to cut them out of your life.

The reason I bolded that certain line is because it really says something.

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I will follow the path I want, not the path everyone else wants.

Thanks, guys!

My family sucks. So, why should I be any different? Life is full of shit that's not fair. My nieces and nephews were unfortunate enough to be born into a shitty family, with irresponsible parents, grandparents who "have raised their own children and won't be around forever. *Cough! Cough!* Wheeeeeze!" and a mean Auntie SW who is going to selfishly go about living her own life instead of completely annihilating it by being their nun/guardian. Life is a bitch sometimes. It's too bad. I'm not unsympathetic, and wish them well, but it's too much to ask. Sorry. Not going to do it.

I would say no. Can you even find a babysitter for 5 kids? I've heard that's hard to find, and that's for several hours. This is for the rest of their childhoods! That's INSANE. What if you can't afford it? They really should have thought about this before they breeded so irresponsibly. Five kids is just way too many to try and foist on someone. We've agreed to do it for my niece and nephew, but there's only 2 and they're great kids with parents who brought them up well. I would not have volunteered if it was more than 2-3 kids and certainly not if it was a dysfunctional family in the first place. Sorry the grandparents don't feel up for it, but that's just too bad. They're responsible for creating this situation in the first place, not you. I would just say I can't afford it and since they are already a very problematic family who has not had good groundwork laid, you're not doing it. I'm so sorry they're putting you in this position, but it does sound like cutting them off wouldn't be a great loss. If they have to split the kids up into different families if something happens to them, that's not the end of the world. It's not like they're from an intact family anyway. Arrrg!

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distant relative of a lima bean

Unfortunately I don't think you have any choice but to say no. The reality is that you would have to change the way you live your life completely to accommodate them and it's not something I'd be willing to do.

This is something I worry about. DH's sisters have 2 and 3 kids respectively and I think it makes far more sense to leave them to each other if something happens. Their lives are far less disrupted - their lifestyle is already focused around raising kids and ours definitely not! It would be a definite no.

It worries me more about my sister's two daughters. She got quite upset when I said I wasn't sure I'd want them and I did try to say to her, like others have said, that I don't even want to raise my own children so why would I want to raise someone else's? Right now they'd go to my parents but they are getting older. She wouldn't be keen leaving them with DH's brother and our younger brother is still only a teenager so he isn't an option. To be completely honest I'd have to make a judgement at the time if it happened. I wouldn't want them in care.

Hee! They can't give you the kids if they can't find you.

Geez, they're getting this bent out of shape when it's still all hypothetical. Isn't it true that people can't stipulate children be "inherited" by so-and-so anyway? A judge will decide based on what's best for the children, people who want them can make their case for guardianship, and a judge likely wouldn't put the kids with someone who doesn't want them, because judges are unlikely to be total morons.

Even if you've agreed to take the children in the past, you can still back out when this comes before a judge. And what if something happens to you at the same time? This is why responsible parents make more than one back-up plan. My aunt D would have gotten my brother and I if something happened to my parents when we were still minors. Failing that, we would have gone to my aunt E. And so on through a whole list of relatives.

They may not see it this way, but you're doing them a big damn favor by being honest with them so they can try to be realistic and make a few alternate plans instead of lying to them to keep the peace so that they're under the delusion that everything will work out fine and have no other plans for the kids should the worst happen.

Wow. I just can't imagine that many kids all together in my house for any length of time. I agree with the others that your other siblings should split them up and take them in- it would be like adding another tiger to the zoo instead of adding said tiger to a large cat hunter's house. As hard as it may be, I agree you must stand your ground that although you love them and wish to see the best for them, living with you is NOT an option. I can't fathom cutting off my family, but mine have a lot more respect for my CF decision than yours apparently do. So sorry for all the stress you are going through

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"Love is composed of one soul inhabiting two bodies."- Aristotle

The one and only SugarGliderFanatic

Just say no. I understand where you're coming from. My problem WAS my ex-friend. After "forgetting" to vsit me n hospital after having major surgery for an ovarian cyst, she increasingly started borrowing bigger and bigger sums of money, which I regret lending to her. The icing on the cake? If she and her husband died, she wanted me to take on her two kids (a girl and a boy, three years apart).
but chances are that what she wanted most is for them to inherit my husband's properties and cash, for they'd enter a far wealthier family than her blood relatives could've ever have provided. She disliked my SO as well, but if we divorced her kids wouldn't get any money.
You'll probably have to disentangle yourself from the mess in stages. And no, they won't thank you acquiesce, it'll just be the beginning of ever more demands. Do you realize the responsibilities you're taking on? I don't think you'll cope without going really insane, broke and sick as well. So much for parents being less selfish!