Some of you might recall my earlier rants about my in-laws, that lovely clan of podgy, more-Catholic-than-the-Pope Republicans so conservative that their outlooks remain stubbornly calcified in 1950 no matter what year the Secular World thinks it may be. They all thought Rick Santorum would have been a great president, put it that way.

Out of my husband’s mother and his seven siblings, probably about half of them are functional alcoholics (one sister is now an evangelical-AA dry drunk after a DUI.) All but two brothers and one sister are morbidly obese and real damn defensive about it, to the point where I have been accused of having an eating disorder for maintaining a normal weight and refusing to gorge myself at parties.

The whole crew is presided over by The Grand Matriarch, dear (s)mother-in-law, Queen of Teeny-Weent, Texas, population > 25K. The de facto Patriarch after the death of my husband’s father some decades ago is my husband’s oldest brother, who works as a petroleum-industry attorney in a neighboring town so teeny it makes Teeny-Weent look like downtown Tokyo.

Eldest BIL is the very model of a modern Entitled White Conservative Republican: about 5’6” and 300+ lbs. soaking wet, a Texas twang so pronounced it’s a caricature, loves gambling and strip clubs, fanatical faith in Rush Limbaugh and Fox News, starts on the Bloody Marys at 10 a.m. every weekend, disdains exercise almost as much as feminism, and at the age of 46, has never had a girlfriend, although he drives the requisite big silver mid-life crisis convertible and has plenty of money.

Eldest BIL has hated me from the moment we were introduced – no kidding, he reacted to my polite greeting by first slamming a kitchen door in my face, then reacting with a huge HAW HAW HAW and “You’re too sensitive!” when I backed away in disgust. He’s kept up that way the entire time he’s known me, as he seemed to take it as a personal affront both that his 7-years-younger brother was getting married first, and that his brother fell in love with a liberal feminist Democrat from Los Angeles. (Nonetheless, BIL’s disdain for L.A. women didn’t stop him from getting very drunk and aggressive with two of my female friends at our wedding, one of whom was married.)

Fast-forward over a decade – Dear Husband and I are coming up on our tenth anniversary, we adore each other. Our life together is marred only by the annual duty visit to his family, which I started actively dreading usually about a month before we have to go, largely because they all constantly try to shove their conservative religion and political views down my throat. Even the nicest BIL likes to grill us about where and when we go to church (we don't.) Meanwhile two of my husband’s sisters are the most vicious gossips imaginable, (S)mother-in-law never stops trying to turn me into a Xerox copy of her sainted self down to the smallest detail, and Eldest BIL NEVER stops antagonizing the Hell-Lay Lib’ral. He hates all of his siblings’ spouses, but seems to really have it in for me above all the others.

Put it this way – during one visit to (S)MIL’s house, my DH told BIL that I was sleeping in late because I have primary insomnia, and was making up for some sleep debt from the previous night. He was told: “She barely slept last night, so just let her crash until she’s fully rested.” Eldest BIL got it into his head that it would be funny as hell to burst into my guest bedroom and wake up the insomniac, just for grins, and my husband had to physically restrain him and threaten to hit him, then literally guard the hallway to my bedroom, to get him to leave me alone. After he told me about that, I would only visit the family when they were staying in hotels, and I could sleep behind a locked door. (Yeah, REAL funny, fucktard.)

This BIL also has this truly infantile habit of sneaking up on people and grabbing them from behind, which I have always hated. I’ve dealt with both physical abuse and workplace sexual harassment in the past, and I find it upsetting to be constantly accosted from behind by a man twice my size. Nonetheless, even after repeated reprimands from both me and my husband, he just keeps on doing it – he even seemed to be making a point of doing it more often.

So last weekend, we went to another very teeny-weenty town in Minnesota for our oldest niece’s graduation party. BIL was there, drinking Bloody Marys and bragging about how he’d been drinking them since he got up that morning. DH asked me to make margaritas, as everyone knows that I once worked as a professional bartender. As I was passing out the drinks in the living room, I ended up facing (S)MIL with my back to Eldest BIL – and as I handed her the cup, I felt a hand stroking the back of my knee, then grasp the inside of my thigh. I immediately got out of there, found my husband, and told him what had happened.

Then as soon as I got home from the graduation, I wrote a letter to the three “social director” family members, (s)mother-in-law and two of my sister-in-laws, describing Eldest BIL’s pattern of cruelty and antagonism towards me and the constant grabbing from behind, and then describing the incident in which he fondled my leg at our niece’s graduation party. I then unequivocally stated that I would not attend any further events in which he would be in attendance, because his behavior had become absolutely intolerable. Sincerely yours, Rose.

The panicked phone calls started a few days later. I refused to take any of them, because my mind is made up and I don’t feel like listening to any frantic denials, or defenses, or plaints to reconsider. So instead (S)MIL took some time to bend my husband’s ear yesterday, all variations on:

“Can’t Rose find it in her heart to JUST FORGIVE BIL?”

My husband explained that this is not about forgiveness, it is about trust. My wife does not trust BIL, as he’s never done anything but antagonize her, and now she can’t trust him not to get drunk and touch her inappropriately. She doesn’t see why she needs to get on a plane once a year to get treated like that, and I’m sorry, but I agree with her. I don’t trust my brother with my wife any more than she does.

DH, bless him, threw his unequivocal support toward me, but nonetheless, it looks like I’M the bad guy yet again. That loathsome son-of-a-bitch decided to grope a married woman, his own brother’s wife, in the middle of a child’s party, and I’m getting flak because I won’t “forgive him,” i.e. pretend it never happened, so everybody else can go on in their nice, complacent, oblivious manner like before.

Sorry, NO. I will not. BIL has a long-established pattern of rudeness and cruelty, and is the size of two of me. Not only that, but he wouldn’t stop grabbing at me from behind even after repeated reprimands from both me and my husband, and now his grabby hands are going to more explicit places.

Nah, those folks can go on Rose-lessly from here on in, thanks! I’m SO outta there!

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Because this body is a recreational area, not a manufacturing plant.
Because my baby is a blue-eyed hunka burnin' Irish man-love, and he's all the baby I'll ever need.
Because it's my life, and I don't want to.

Good job on being resolved to keep them out of your life. Rose, isn't your MIL the one who tried to put a house guest with you without your permission?

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"You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can."

Thanks, sweetie, I appreciate it.

Yes, it was indeed Dear Ol' (S)mother-in-law who tried to get us to take in some couch-surfer we didn't even know, and then tried to get my husband to overrule me when I vetoed the notion.

Nevermind that (S)mother-in-law was also present when BIL "greeted" me with that slammed door -- it happened in her house, and she never made even a peep of protest.

Guess I know where I stand, don't I? Democrats, Californians, and non-religious folk appear to be subhuman in that crowd -- unless one's a bit drunk and horny...

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Because this body is a recreational area, not a manufacturing plant.
Because my baby is a blue-eyed hunka burnin' Irish man-love, and he's all the baby I'll ever need.
Because it's my life, and I don't want to.

Oh, that's horrible! I'm so glad you have put your foot down, because you shouldn't have to put up with those shenanigans! As for your MIL's pleas, I think your DH should tell her that you did forgive BIL- the first 8-9 times he made inappropriate physical contact with you, but since his behavior isn't changing after repeated correction, you aren't required to subject yourself to his behavior anymore or give him anymore chances to do something unforgivable! Thumbs up to your DH for taking your side against his massive family and for supporting you, because you are in the right.

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"Love is composed of one soul inhabiting two bodies."- Aristotle

The one and only SugarGliderFanatic

good for you! If they persist, you could also say it's not about forgiveness, it's about the fact that no one should have to waste any of their life in the same room as that nasty piece of work.

Does this mean your hubby will continue the annual visit or will he stop too? They sound too awful for words.

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"Life is a matter of passing time enjoyably. There may be other things in life, but I've been too busy passing my time enjoyably to think very deeply about them." Peter Cook

Oh how I wish you kneed him HARD in the crotch and feigned innocence that you were just so startled. What a creeper!

I'm so glad that your husband is backing you, and that you got out of there immediately. BIL sounds like a potential rapist, so what if he raped somebody and scarred them for life, are they just supposed to "forgive" him?

I've gotten that forgiveness talk before from people who have put me through hell, but the interesting thing is, I have forgiven them, but am I going to put my hand on a hot burner after I've been burned? Hell no. It's just their pitiful way of twisting stuff around. You handled it a lot better than I would have.

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“I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.” ~ Albert Einstein

"A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor." ~ Unknown

I also applaud you for standing up for yourself. But may I request that you take it one step further? I say stop visiting his family all together and just let your DH visit his family without you. Since all you seem to get is stressed out and bent out of shape due to visits with his family. I understand that they may be family and all, but that is still no excuse for people to treat you like that. Especially if MIL is still making attempts at trying to clone you into a copy of herself. Her actions state to me that she does not accept you the way that you are.

I am so sorry, Rose! What a pig! I hate it when people want to blame the victim, and without going into details, I've had a lifetime of dealing with something similar. Everyone wants you to pretend like it didn't happen or doesn't matter that it happened, and you should just let it keep happening, y'know, cause its so much easier for everyone else. Like, you're just supposed to giggle and go "Oh, you character, you!" as he forces his disgusting self on you. What makes him so f-cking special that he gets to just do whatever he wants to everyone?

Don't go back. If they can't side with you on this no brainier, then they never will, and your safety cannot be assured.

I would cut them all off if i was in your position.

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The worst STD is pregnancy.