Link to letter: Ask Amy letter from "Sad Dad"

I think I might be in the minority (based on comments I saw on another forum carrying that letter), but contrary to what this guy says (he's upset that his second wife "doesn't take an interest in his kids"), I don't believe that his kids are "part of the [marriage] package."

If it means that much to you that Wife 2 "takes an interest" in your kids, you should have brought that up before marriage.

He even says, "Even though I saw signs [before they married] that she was not into my children, I thought this [her lack of interest in his kids] would change." He says he told Wife 2 if her attitude does not change, he will divorce her.

I don't see why a second spouse has to "take an interest" in the spouse's kids from the first wife/ husband.

He insists in the letter he does not want or expect Wife 2 to "Play second mother" to his kids, but then, what else does he mean by "take an interest in them?"

I'm betting (though he seems to deny it in the letter) that he expects Wife #2 to do Mom-like things for his kids by Wife 1, such as ask them how their day was after school, drive them to soccer practice, bake cookies for them, etc.

The advice columnist told "Sad Dad" that of course he should expect Wife 2 to "form a relationship" with his kids: "Of course this includes acknowledging and forming a relationship with your children." She went on to say if that does not happen, he can or should consult an attorney and make plans to leave her.

If he does so, if he leaves her, he will likely be alone as he gets older. When his kids move out one day, they will not come to visit him or phone him. He will be without a life companion/ partner as he ages, so in my view, he should think long and hard about dumping a partner for wanting a "hands on" mommy type.

My view is that so long as Wife 2 is not abusing her step children and is not neglectful in emergencies (such as does not fail to dial 911 if one of the kids swallows poison, or something of that nature), she is well within her rights to act as though they are no consequence to her.

He also complains about other issues (not having to do with his kids in the letter, like over who paid for a house and a car) which makes me think there may be more going on than the kids, but maybe he's using the kids as an excuse.

I'm not positive, but I think the advice columnist who replied to Sad Dad, Amy, was divorced with a kid or two when she got remarried in her late 40s or early 50s, so it would kind of figure if she thinks a second spouse should be all peachy keen with kids from a first marriage.

I'll tell you this: if I'm marrying a woman with kids, she won't have to bring it up, because that'd be the first thing I'd get straight; no my kids, no my problem.

Honestly, I have to wonder about both of them. How do people get into these situations?! Was she loving while they were dating, then turned it off after the wedding? Was he not bringing the kids out when they were dating, only to reveal them after-the-fact?

CarryOn, the only thing I can surmise is that the "Sad Dad" letter writer was hoping the woman's views would change over time (that is what he said in his letter).

I think he was living in fantasyville. I don't think he was willing to face reality. If you're dating a woman who shows no interest in your kids while you're dating, why would you expect her to "just change" on her own after marriage?

Putting that aside, I can't figure out why so many people think Spouse 2 has to have or hold touchy feely, warm N fuzzy feelings for kids from Spouse 1? She didn't carry those kids for nine months and give birth to them. Maybe she doesn't like kids, who knows?

(I want to stress I am not fine with step parents who abuse or neglect stepkids - neglect as in, stand there and do nothing if the kid is in immediate danger, or who starve them to death, which I've seen in countless news shows. Neglect does not equal "stepmom will not bake fresh home made cookies for junior after his soccer practice.")

But why do so many divorced people with kids have this expectation or fantasy that Spouse 2 will, or should, love their kids like their own, or cozy up to them? You should feel fortunate to have a spouse to love you at all, even if he or she is not crazy about your kids.

If I were their counselor, I'd suggest they both take a long drive together (without the kids) and talk about it.
Do they still love eachother, and do they really want to stay together?

If the answers are yes, then they have to compromise to make it work. She should acknowledge his kids, but I don't think she has any obligation to act motherly towards them. Perhaps every second week should be "child free" (where have I heard that phrase before?) where it's just the two of them.

Marriage is hard work, and involves compromise, not to mention lowering your defenses and reverting to talking once an argument goes nowhere. However, if both sides love each other then it's worth it.

But what does that mean, exactly? Just saying "Hello, Susie and Johnny" when she sees them in the morning?

Or does it, (as I suspect), mean her doing "Mommy things" like doting on them when they get boo-boos, and offering to visit their softball games, help them with their math homework etc?

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Being civil and polite, but not making them breakfast.

Of course he should expect her to be friendly to his kids, but not to help with parenting responsibilities.

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I'm not sure I'm even completely on board with the "be friendly" thing.

I'm not saying she should scream at them and call them names, but whether she wants to say "Hello" to them is entirely up to her.

Most step parents get treated rudely and taken for granted any way. Even if she's "nice" to the kids and greets them daily, they probably won't give her the respect she deserves.

The guy said in his letter that his kids are little darlings and truly well behaved. All parents feel that way, even if the kid acts like a brat.

It's really very simple to mumble "morning" as they walk into the kitchen and start preparing their own breakfasts etc. I can't see the marriage working if the wife avoided talking and eye contact every time they sit together or pass each other in the hall. It'd just be too creepy.

Even when I've had a rotten night of sleep I still mumble a "morning" to my workmates etc. I may not want to talk to them or have them near me, but it's polite.

I guess I don't see it that way.

I wonder if the step kids acknowledge the step mother? (The guy who wrote the letter didn't say if the kids made overtures to her, or if he tried to get them to.)

If I was in her situation, if the kids were truly nice and made an attempt to greet me and be pleasant, it would make me more open to treating them the same way, but not because their dad demands it of me.