Hmm. Interesting. So you actually have some practical experience in being cast as a prospective father. What specifically about dating a single mom made you realize that parenthood was a no-go? Or was it everything?
That's a difficult question to answer. It wasn't any one thing.
This is the only way I can think of to explain it: I've known as far back as I can remember that I didn't want kids, but when people told me I'd change my mind, I kind of believed them. Dating a single mother was almost an experiment, a way to test the parenthood waters without committing. And it wasn't a negative or unpleasant experience at all. The kid was a remarkably well-behaved one-year-old. But I figured out pretty fast that it just wasn't for me, and never would be.
I'm glad I had that experience, because I'm not sure I'd be as confident of my CF decision if I hadn't. And besides, it's an extra weapon in my arsenal when faced with bingoes. I can honestly say I sampled the parenting life and didn't care for it.
_________________ Where are we going? And why are we in a handbasket?
Most of my exes have them. Bed made, lie. The one I'm closest to, has a teenager. He often tells me how right I was for getting a tl at 22. He loves his son, but bitterly regrets bringing him into the world. The kid's moo involvement consists of supplying him with booze and drugs.
My first "serious" relationship was with a woman who actually left me for someone who thought she could have kids with right away (she was 6 years older that I, and I hadn't graduated from college), granted she was a preschool teacher, and had had a degree in childhood development, so I'm pretty sure she would have been a good parent. To finish the story, the guy she dumped me for turned out not to be that great a catch, they broke up (childless) a couple of years later. She drifted in and out of my life but then moved out west and took up with a divorced mom, so we lost touch, for all I know now she has a "baster baby" with her partner.
My second long term relationship (which wasn't a good match in a lot of ways), is probably a parent now, she was very heavily into the life script, we broke up an amiable terms, but again we drifted apart, so I have no idea where she is right now.
MrsPP was CF from long before I met her, and I knew that no kids was "part of the package" when we got serious, lust like eventual parenthood was inevitable with GF #1.
_________________ WWTLD --- What Would Tyrion Lannister Do?
My ex-H was adamant about the no kids thing. We got engaged when I was 19 and he was 22, and now we're both in the back end of our 40's and more anti-kid than ever. TBH, I'd never even really thought about it until he bought it up, but once he did, I had no hesitation in agreeing. I'd never liked kids, nobody had ever seen me as mother material, and it just felt right. We were together for 11 years, and then I drifted in and out of a bunch of 6 month long relationships in my 30's where the issue never came up. When I met the last long term guy I was 36, and we were together for nearly 4 years. He knew on our second date that I didn't want to have kids, but he caught the rabies when he turned 40, decided he had to be a dad, and off he went. And that was fine by me.
Anyone I start dating now will be CF. Which cuts my choices down considerably, as I'm now swimming in the pool with a bunch of dads with teenagers, but I'm perfectly happy to hang out for the right guy.
_________________ "Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions."
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:57 pm Posts: 1039 Location: Canada
I've only had two serious relationships. My ex-husband always just assumed he would have kids until I enlightened him. He's now strongly CF.
My current partner is about as far from CF as you can get. However, he's past breeding age and his daughter lives with bio-mom. I know in an ideal world, he would have liked to have more children, but he's satisfied with the one he's got and accepts that I will never have any.
I forgot to add to my post before, that my husband was not CF when I met or married him. He was 34 when I met him, and is turning 38 in a few days, but he was in the "it's a possibility", "let's wait at least 2 years", "let's wait five years" (ever year), "I don't feel a bio clock ticking and am not in a hurry", camp.
When I talked to him about not wanting kids, he was quite fine with it. I was very anxious about it but he eased my worries. He actually likes kids and really relates to/interacts them quite well, and enjoys having them in his life in some way (eg such as through Big Brothers, or via our nephews) but it still warms my heart that in the past few months he has often referred to kids as "fuck trophies". I am not even sure where he learned that phrase as it is not one I used around him.
I was an early articulator (decided that kids were not for me when I was 12), but when I was a teen, I assumed that I will eventually end up having them. My first serious relationship was at 19 with a guy who was couple years older. He was truly great, and for awhile I thought he may be the one. Couple months in, he made it clear that he wanted children. The second he brought it up, I felt nauseated and got a panic attack. He didn't say "now", he said "in 5-10 years", but it was clearly something he wanted eventually. My visceral response made it clear that it was not something I wanted- ever. After losing sleep for days, I decided to break up with him, because it couldn't have worked. I was lucky because there was no pressure from either of us, and there was no crying or convincing- we had a very solemn break up. Now he's married, and he's one of the best fathers I've met. We both cared for each other, but there was no way that we could have compromised without one of us being completely miserable.
Couple months later (when I was 20) I met DH. We hit it off immediately- there was an intense mental and physical connection. Having been burned before, I made it very clear that I'm CF on our second date. He was taken aback at first, but we took it slow and took couple breaks. He had some fencesitter moments, but after a lot of contemplation, he's on the right side of the fence now. I thank Chtulu every day for being so extremely lucky to meet a person who is compatible with me in so many ways and who was willing to think critically and make his own decisions, rather than do things because that's what you do.
If I had to start dating again, I couldn't date somebody who has kids or wants kids, and I don't think I could deal with waiting for a fencesitter to make up his mind one way or the other.
Four boyfriends, last one became husband ... and one kid between them all at this point. #1 is divorced because wife wanted kids and he "wasn't ready." Don't know if he will be in future or not. He's not great dad material but he's not bad either. Actually would be better than most dads I know, but not sure how great a compliment that is. #2 would be an AMAZING dad. Part of why we broke up - he wanted a comfortable, rural life with 3+ kids and he seemed made for it. I ... didn't. And he's now over in north Africa working with street kids and has become a dad to a lot of them. I'm both really surprised (this is a guy who thought soy sauce was weird) and really happy for him - he's right where he fits best and doing what he loves. #3 swore he never wanted kids because of medical issues and then, inexplicably, married a rather dense woman whose only ambition was to be a mommie. Fast forward a few years and he's a single dad to a cute little girl. He seems happy but it can't be easy.
I'm not sure what all that means - the only one who professed to not want kids is the one who's a dad but the second is a dad in every way except biologically to the many kids he works with so I wouldn't say he came around to the CF lifestyle. More that he's willing to forgo passing on his own DNA so that he has more time for the kids already in his life.
Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2011 2:46 pm Posts: 95 Location: South Portland, Maine
I've only really had one actual girlfriend and I ended up marrying her. She did want kids when she was younger and even had names picked out for them but eventually changed her mind because she realized that she didn't want to be a mother to human babies. I've never really wanted kids because I like to keep my money (as much as I can), they wear me out and I'm introverted so I don't want have to subject myself to all the crap that goes with raising a kid. But anyway, that's why I got my brat making ability removed earlier this year. After 11 years of marriage it was time to get it done and not have to worry that something might happen again.
In somewhat related news, a frenemy of my wife who is almost 40 just found out she's about 7 months pregnant (she already has an unplanned 15 YO). So she almost ended up on that awesome TLC show "I didn't know I was pregnant". She apparently tried to have a TL in her 20s and the doctor wouldn't do it. Woops (times 2)...
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 12:03 am Posts: 436 Location: The Sticks, Louisiana
I've been reading all the different experiences of everyone in this thread and I just can't figure out what to do myself. Would I be more successful pursuing the droves of lovely women who are fence-sitters or stick with my current streak of 4 years and counting being unsuccessful in limiting my pursuits to only women who are up-front about being CF? On one hand I might just find that they all really do want kids but are too afraid to say and our relationship would end when I "came out" as being CF, but on the other hand nothing's happening with my current approach. Being in this mid-20s is really irritating - can't I just hit my 30s gracefully and be done with it?!
I feel a similar way to you, OP, but I think that everyone should be born sterile and you'd have to register to get un-sterilized. Man, that would be awesome.
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