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Unread postPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 11:35 pm 
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So my wife and i have been married just over 3 years (im 29 and she is 30) and before we got married we were on the same page of wanting to have just one child. As time has progressed my perspective has changed on the subject and im now not entirely sure i want to have a child (definately not now) and not sure if my mind will change in the future. My wife compeltely wants a child and she deserves to have something that she feels will make her happy.

The thing is if i dont turn around and agree on wanting a child it will ultimately result in the ending of our marriage which makes me feel so devastated.

I feel like an absolute horrible person for not potentially wanting a child and by all means i see all the positives that can come from having a child but i also see the negatives and am happy to admit im selfish and dont want to have to devote most of my time to someone else. There is also a cripling fear of not knowimg if id make a good father but there is also just the lack of a desire to want a child.

I look around and see everyone has children and there are toung families and i feel like maybe its just what happens and im meant to be a father like everone else and just go along with it and hope for the best and hope for all the good stories you read about where people completely change when it arrives and feel fullfilled etc. But then i dont want the very real posibility of potentially regretting/resenting the child and or my wife.

I almost sway on just saying i will in fear of losing my wife and there is a massively large fear of being alone and no one else loving and putting up with my depression and anxiety issues but thats just not fair to my wife.

She is not willing to place our marriage over the need/want to have a child which i feel maybe she married me to be with me but then if she says she is happy not to have one i know that she will ultimatel resent me for her giving up something she so desperatwly wants.

On top of that there are also some marital issues which have arisen, amd we have both decided to have a break and just sort out what we really want and what will make us happy. But im stressed out to the max and just fear being alone and not finding anyone who shares the same views.

I dont want to string her along either coz she deserves her happiness.

I have been so confused and lonely and down in the dumps lately i just feel like as part of society today i shouldnt feel the way i do.


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Unread postPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2017 8:18 am 
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That's exactly the way many people feel, being part of society today. As people become more educated, more and more of us are saying no to the traditional lifescript, and realising we don't have to apologize for it. The planet could use a break anyway...

You are entitled to change your mind. In fact, many parents change their mind... after they've already bred... sometimes more than once.

Sure, there's a possibility you could "love it when it gets here!1!", and everything will be fine, and your relationship won't change.. But are you willing to play Russian roulette with your life and the life of an innocent kid?

By the way, exactly how depressed/anxious are you? Chances are high you will "bless" your kid with the same thing, or other mental illnesses.

Be honest with yourself, and your partner. Your relationship has already changed forever. Now you can only choose how to go forward. Let her go have a kid with someone else, or be trapped in a decaying relationship, with a kid you never wanted, who /will/ know it wasn't wanted.

And please, while you're thinking this over, make sure to use your own birth control. Some women, no matter how decent they usually are, are coached from birth to oops their "immature" partners.

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Unread postPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2017 5:07 pm 
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I can see a few things going on here.

Babybrainmale wrote:
On top of that there are also some marital issues which have arisen, amd we have both decided to have a break and just sort out what we really want and what will make us happy. But im stressed out to the max and just fear being alone and not finding anyone who shares the same views.

So what you're saying is that rather than follow your gut, you're so convinced that you'll never find someone else that you'll sacrifice your happiness for hers? "Everyone" will tell you that babies make a marriage stronger. Non biassed studies will tell you that's actually a myth, right up there with the cheque being in the mail. Happiness plummets in the first few years after having a baby. You think you're having problems now ... that's nothing compared to the problems you'll have when you're sleep deprived, financially stretched, and arguing about the best way to bring this kid up.

If your marriage isn't on a solid footing to start with, having a band-aid baby is the worst idea in the world.

Babybrainmale wrote:
My wife compeltely wants a child and she deserves to have something that she feels will make her happy. The thing is if i dont turn around and agree on wanting a child it will ultimately result in the ending of our marriage which makes me feel so devastated.

She deserves your honesty. You agreed on something before you got married. She's still where she was. You're the one that's moving the goalposts., so you should be the one to start the dialogue. And given that she's the one with the biological time limit, she needs to know, so if she wants to move on, she can.

Babybrainmale wrote:
But then i dont want the very real posibility of potentially regretting/resenting the child and or my wife.

Then you need to follow your gut. Remember what other people think or want has no bearing on what you think or want. Trust me, when you look at other people's lives you're not seeing the half of it - all unicorns and rainbows on top, and nothing like that underneath. Don't be fooled. A baby will suck up every minute of your spare time and every dollar of your money for the next 15-20 years. If you're not 100% going in, how can you do anything but resent that?

Someone very wise once made the following point - that once you have a baby, the woman you love is literally, no longer the woman you love. She's going to disappear, at least for a few years, into the role of mommy. There's any number of confessions I've read from guys saying that their hot, smart, sexy wives just morphed into slobby, baby-obsessed mombies after the kid arrived. If she wants a kid, your wife as you know her is going away anyway, one way or another. Nothing is going to stay the same. You can only decide how they change.

And let's say that you buckle under, she has the kid, and you end up separated anyway. Now you're a part time parent to a kid you never wanted, and paying 1/3 of your salary to feed and clothe it until it's 18. Does that sound like a good deal to you? If you knew now that was going to be the result, would you do it? Be honest.

Babybrainmale wrote:
I feel like an absolute horrible person for not potentially wanting a child.

Don't. You're completely entitled to feel that way.

Babybrainmale wrote:
I almost sway on just saying i will in fear of losing my wife and there is a massively large fear of being alone and no one else loving and putting up with my depression and anxiety issues but thats just not fair to my wife.

Those depression and anxiety issues are not going to be cured by having a kid. Think you're anxious now? Try looking out for a small, brainless human that spends 24/7 for the next three or four years, trying to off itself. That makes me anxious even thinking about it.

Babybrainmale wrote:
I have been so confused and lonely and down in the dumps lately i just feel like as part of society today i shouldnt feel the way i do.

As you would, if your marriage is on the rocks. But that isn't an excuse for jumping in to something that you're ambivalent about, just to seek out the comfort of the herd mentality.

Your choices are actually pretty clear. If you really don't want to have a kid, then you need to tell your wife. She deserves to know. You at least recognize that. And then both of you can move on to look for what you want. Being scared of the big wide world is not an excuse for you to take the safe route, and walk sheepishly into learning to hate your life. Why not make the choice to eventually, be happy, and to take short term unhappiness over many years of it?

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Unread postPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 8:17 pm 
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What ever you do. Don't have kids to fix a marriage. Ever.

It is normal to feel like they are the only person, but after a few months apart, you will find someone else. It's sad, but it's true.

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Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:57 pm 
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Yes, making kids just to get married this is really wrong. If you feel that not both people in the couple want this - don't do this ever!

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Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2017 6:01 am 
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There are 7 billion people on the planet - we really don't need more, and we especially don't need more unwanted children. Let your wife go while she still has time to find another partner and have the child she wants - you will meet someone else, I'm sure - and even if not, that has to be better than being trapped in a relationship with kids you don't want. Damaging for the kids too. Time to be courageous and set both of you free.

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