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Unread postPosted: Fri Apr 28, 2017 2:00 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 12:31 pm
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Hello happy childfree people!

I have been reading through the forum for a while, mostly looking for validation that I do not want kids and should not have them.

As far as I can remember, I have always said I did not want kids (picking names for future kids at 10 years old does not count :p). When I was a young adult, my primary reason for not wanting children was because I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and always thought that 1) I would be a terribly anxious mother, 2) this wouldn't help my condition at all and 3) there would be a fair chance that I could pass it on to my child.

I have gotten a lot better over time, thanks to medication/therapy, but still have episodes of acute anxiety and obssessive thoughts. As I move into my thirties, my current obssession is focused on having children. I am going through episodes of anxiety fearing that I am making the wrong choice and that I will regret not having kids one day. And then I get caught in the "obssession" that if I really didn't want kids, I would know for sure. I wouldn't need to question it so much or feel anxious about it.

I have to mention two things: 1) I am a woman married to another woman so it's not like having kids would be an easy thing anyway. I don't think I would be emotionally (and even physically) strong enough to put up with artifical insemination (and I have zero desire to be pregnant, let alone from a stranger's semen) or lengthy adoption processes

2) My wife doesn't want kids. Of course, we have talked about that subject several times and agreed that we would most probably not have any. During one episode of anxiety last year, I told her about my fear that maybe one day I would want kids, and she replied that if one day I really wanted a child, we could have one, that she wasn't completely reluctant to the idea. But I know she'd rather not have them. And of course, I would never want to impose that choice on her.

When I think reasonably and practically, there are many more cons than pros. My situation as an "infertile" couple adds up to the many cons of having children. So it feels a little bit like I am playing my own devil's advocate trying to convince myself that I want kids, like a little voice in my head that tells me that I DO want kids when I have all the practical reasons in the world not to want/have them in reality.

I am generally concerned with other people's and society's opinion on what is considered normal or not. Even after seven years with my wife, I still struggle with people's views on homosexuality and how they view me. So I guess it's the same thing with my "unconventional" point of view on having children. When people ask me "when are you gonna have kids?", I feel abnormal and anxious to answer "I don't want children". But I try to keep a cool head and simply answer: "I don't think having kids would make me a happier person."
The paradox is that when I hear another woman say they don't want kids, I think it's strange and wonder why they don't. It's like I'm being judgemental of my own lifestyle choice. :?

Basically, the questions that keep popping into my head and make me crazy are : If I were so okay with my choice and so sure of it, why would I need to question it so much ? Am I lying to myself? Am I in denial that I actually do want kids but am too scared to admit it for fear of endangering my marriage ? What if I resent myself and my wife one day for making that choice?

Sorry for the long post, there are so many more things I'd like to say but I don't want to bore you all. I don't even know what I'm looking for, a bit of support I suppose.

Thanks for your time! :)


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Unread postPosted: Fri Apr 28, 2017 5:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:30 pm
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Location: Ferelden
Hi there, welcome!

I have a bit of anxiety myself, but not so bad. I can relate a bit on the incessant doubting, though not on this subject.

Some of us on this forum have known we were childfree since we were children ourselves. Others came to this conclusion after a more or less "bumpy road". It sounds like you're more the latter.

I think it's perfectly normal and beneficial to reconsider our decisions from time to time. In your case however, your anxiety is making you question everything and exacerbating your feelings of uncertainty. As you've said, it's become an obsessive thought.

It's okay to have these thoughts, it becomes a problem when they're taking over your life. For example, I'm not sure if I would like to go bungee-jumping, but just because I don't hate the thought doesn't mean I'm going to go do it right this second. It might be a life-changing experience for some, but I'm just not curious, so I don't think about it.

Nobody can promise you you'll never regret it. But that goes for everything you do or don't do in life. (I'm not trying to give you more things to worry about, I swear! :lol: ) And besides, isn't it better to regret not having children than regret having them?

Personally, I believe children should be 100% wanted. Not "because I might regret it if I don't", or "because I don't want to risk being alone in my old age" (hint: they can and likely will dump you in an old folks' home anyway).

I say enjoy all your free time and extra money with your lovely wife. If you still find yourself yearning for a kid after a few years, look into fostering, adoption or mentoring. Or just a relative's kid to spoil (and teach them "teh gay agenda!1!" ;) )

Edit: If therapy works for you, and you know an open-minded therapist, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to talk to them.

_________________
"Change is coming to the world. Many fear change and will fight it with every fiber of their being. But sometimes, change is what they need the most. Sometimes, change is what sets them free." - Morrigan, Dragon Age


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Unread postPosted: Fri May 05, 2017 9:38 am 
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I can't help but wonder how many of those "but what if you regret it!" thoughts are entirely sure to society conditioning you to believe that children are mandatory and one of the most important things in the world.

Not to say that the situations are equivalent, but did you ever have periods of time in your life where you felt like you had to be straight? That whatever attraction you felt to women was a mistake or wrong? That if you didn't be "normal" and have a relationship with a man, your life would be lacking or worse than it could have been? Because there's a hell of a lot of expectation that everyone should be straight in our society, too. Did those anxieties about not being straight (if you had them) feel similar to the anxieties you're feeling now about not having children?

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“First they came for the Socialists, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller


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