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 Post subject: Long needed help please!
Unread postPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:44 pm 
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Hi,
I am and have been on the fence for 9 years now - I will try to give the briefest of description.
I am nearly 43, have never ever wanted kids - have tokaphobia too. Have 5 sisters and millions of niece/nephews who I love, all family thought I 100% never have kids.
9 years ago I suffered first panic attack and was suffering from anxiety, left my job, felt really useless. Then two of my friends I truly believed wouldnt have kids got pregnant - That is absolutely the first time ever I thought - Oh, what about me? What am I going to do! From there my dog who I absolutely loved died, months after my very close brother in law died, and then 6 months after my Dad died.
It was then (especially as my Dad said whilst in hospital - look how important it is to have family) that I really questioned it.
I was sexually abused as a child - I didnt realize properly until this time that it was that that caused my Tokaphobia - either way, I felt it didn't matter up till then as I hadn't wanted kids anyway.
So when I had this little inkling that I may want kids and that it was my abuser who has made me like this, I thought - stuff it, I am just going to try, I will not let him ruin my life.... I got pregnant (9 years ago) and completely freaked out - I had an abortion. I felt like lots of you on here - disgusted, not me etc
As I went in for the abortion I knew that I would come out of it still not knowing what I want - I had the abortion because I was very ill with it and was making myself worse with the worry of it. Only my husband knew as my phobia/abuse makes me very embarrassed of pregnancy.
Fast forward to last year - My Mum got very ill - we thought she was going to die. I completely freaked out - was severely low - I ended up telling my whole family about the abuse and the child dilema - don't know why it all came out?! I have since spent the last 9 months having councilling - and my Mum is doing well.
It was a massive relief to tell family - I think they were just as shocked at the thought of me having kids as the abuse.
I have come a long way since last year and saw nearly losing my Mum as a way to get my life on track - and have a child - It seemed like fate.
I came off of the pill in November but nothing has happened as yet (maybe due to age and maybe to not having sex around the right time) Every time I have unprotected sex I feel nervous and on edge - I told my husband that whatever happens I will not have an abortion - I couldn't put myself in the position again and then abort.So that is massive pressure. Last month we were due to have sex on the right day of fertility - I couldn't do it. So all this preperation to chicken out again.
I have spent years of analyzing - never so much as the past year - it affects my life massively - I can't move on until I have an answer. One of my councellors specializes in the baby decision - but she couldn't help.
I found this forum last night - I have never seen anything like this in all that time - It has started to make me feel very close to being CF.
The 1 million dollar question has been- If I wasnn't abused would I still feel like this or is the feeling that I never wanted kids just me anyway? I spent 35 years being adamant I didn't want them.
I decided that if I have a child I would not regret it as that's what everyone says - so this is the way to go - better than being lonely and regretful.
I have councilling to get me through, I would have a cesarean, I live with my Mum and sister so have massive support. But I think -
If my Mum was alive forever I wouldn't have kids
I don't like babies but would like a grown child from 6 upwards - I think
If my husband could physically have the child and be the main parent I would do it.
The only times I have thought of this was when there were losses in my life
I am scared of not having close family (like my Mum) around when I am older - a child would give me that.
I know exactly how the above sounds - Just want to know what you all think now! That is a severley condensed description of my situation. Really sorry for such a long post, and any advice would be massively appreciated.
Thanks, Sam


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Unread postPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 12:01 am 
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It sounds like you're in a rough spot, and I'm sorry. I have tokophobia as well, so I know how distressing the idea of pregnancy can be. Even though the possible reason behind your tokophobia is your previous abuse, your feelings are still your feelings. I don't think you should feel like you need to do something you feel incredibly uncomfortable with and distressed about, just to somehow 'prove' that you have overcome your abuse. Your life is more than your reproductive ability, and you are not 'broken' for not wanting to be pregnany or go through childbirth. You are not wrong for wanting to avoid something that is terrifying to you, even if that response is due to past trauma.

I know that it's scary to think about not having any close family, but I don't know that a child is the best way to make sure that you do have family/company. You have no guarantees how the child will turn out, and it seems like a lot of stress to go through for a chance at having close family. Wouldn't it be better to focus on developing your relationship with your husband and with other people who you know that you like? Family is more than just blood.

Additionally, the fact that you don't like small children and would likely have to wait 6 years before the kid reaches a point that you would enjoy interacting with it means that you're signing yourself up for 9 months of torture, and then 6 YEARS of, at best, tedium, before you have anything close to an actual companion.

Perhaps adoption would work better for you? You could get a kid past the infant years, and skip the pregnancy altogether, and still have someone to add to your family.

_________________
“First they came for the Socialists, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller


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Unread postPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:01 pm 
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Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I have thought of adoption - but still don't know with that either - I'm not sure my husband would deal with that that well - I don't know if he would bond (or myself)
I meant to say that I love kids and am very good with them (so I'm told!)
I love toddlers and all ages upwards - I just don't like the life that comes with it - I would feel so tied down/suffocated.
I think when I say that we should just go for it, it is because at least that is a decision - If we decide not to then you always have that seed of doubt - but of course that is no reason to go ahead.
I am ruining my own life by being in this indecision - I just wish I had the strength to know which way to go - or just say 'this is enough!'
I'm trying to base my decision on how I feel about having children/being a parent - not on the abuse and how that has affected me, not on my future, not on lonliness - I think that is the only way to get there?
This site has really made me sway towards being CF - Is that because that is how I feel or that of course this forum would be biased and that is swaying me?
Anyway, thanks again for your advice - it is really appreciated, Samantha x


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Unread postPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 1:33 am 
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Haha, well, I definitely cannot claim to be unbiased. Take what I have to say with however large a grain of salt that you feel appropriate.

There is always the chance that I making a decision, you will look back and wish that you took the other option. But that is not only limited to the choice of NOT having children. The choice to have children also has a chance to be a regretful one, and it is one that locks you into a very specific lifestyle for 18+ years. Just my viewpoint on it.

If I may ask, why do you feel you would be able to connect more with a biological child than an adopted one? For me personally, with my tokophobia, I would feel dismayed and resentful at any child that made me go through such an ordeal. If I were ever to raise a kid, the only way I could have one without being bitter would be via adoption.

I do hope that you can make a decision on what side of the issue is the best option for you, and finally lay some of the stress to rest. Best of luck, whichever path you choose.

_________________
“First they came for the Socialists, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller


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Unread postPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:50 am 
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I'm sorry you've been dealt such a $hitty hand in life, but it sounds like you are taking all the steps you can to overcome and be as healthy as possible.
I've been obsessed with thinking about when I'm an old woman.Who will be by my side, God forbid my husband passes before me? It makes me afraid of being alone and I think "if I have a child I wouldn't be alone", but as the other poster mentioned there is no guarantee how the child will turn out. They could just stick me in a home somewhere and never visit and I'd still end up alone.

At any rate, the one question I've been trying to focus on to shut out all the other noise is "Do I feel called to raise a child?"
My answer is no. I don't feel a calling to parent, so that is my truth and I need to focus on that and ignore all the outside pressures from family and society. If I don't feel called to do this job it would only be to the detriment of any child I would have.


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Unread postPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 4:57 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 1:47 pm
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Hi,

Thank you for your reply - I didn't get many comments so gave up looking - Thought I would check today and I saw your message.
I really see your point with do I feel parenting is my calling - and no I don't.
I haven't read it put over like that before and it resonated with me - How did you come to that conclusion yourself?
Your post was on my birthday too which was strange!

Thanks again, Samantha


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