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Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:27 am 
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Hi Everyone.

My name is Jess and in 2 weeks, my fiance and I will be married. This is supposed to be a happy time in our lives and don't get me wrong, it is. But we are already being bombarded with the questions of, "When are you guys going to have kids?"

A little background on myself. Growing up, I never really had an interest in kids. While my older sister enjoyed babysitting, I did not. My mother forced me to take a babysitting course and it held little to no appeal to me. I was always more interested in animals.

Anyways, when I entered my first long term relationship, I was fairly certain I didn't want to have children. Now, I'm still not sure if it was because of the man I was with. He wasn't very nice to me and he was a dead beat. So I don't know if instinctively, I knew kids with him wouldn't be a great idea or if I truly didn't want children all together.

Fast forward to my current relationship, which is great. We are really happy together. About 2 years into our relationship, I was certain I wanted to marry this man and, I even started saying I wanted to have children. Again, I don't know if it was all in how he treated me and if it strung up a wild desire in me, but I started expressing my want of children to him, friends, family etc. And to add, when we first started dating, I told him I more than likely would want children ONE DAY.

Now, for the last 6 months or so, my feelings on wanting children have drastically changed. To be honest, it scares the hell out of me. Firstly, I am 26 years old. And even at this age, I feel no where near ready to be a mother. I love what my fiance and I have. I love our freedom and our FINANCIAL freedom as well. I love that we can go on vacations, have fun and not have to worry about anything or anyone. I love that if we want to go out for a nice dinner together, we don't have to watch the bank account, we can just do it. I love going for our evening walks and going on a spur of the moment trip on the weekends. Our life is so good. And to be honest, I am not ready to give that up. We have so much fun together and I don't want to let that go.

Not only that but, about 2 years ago, we got a puppy. We decided it was a good idea at the time. But, we quickly found out that, it was A LOT of work. And as much joy as that puppy brought to our lives, she also brought a lot of frustration, tears, arguing and turmoil. She caused us to argue. And she caused me so much stress and anxiety. She had me in tears out of frustration 2 or 3 times a week. Every little decision we made, revolved around the puppy. Well we can't do this because of the dog, or, we can't go on vacation without spending $600 to board her, etc. Finally, we had to make the hard decision to rehome her. Now, I know a puppy and a baby are different, but the idea is the same. And, if we were to have a baby, we can't just bring it to the pound when we've had enough.

I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. I'm very, very easily overwhelmed. And, I don't know if I have the patience and the mental capacity to have a baby.

So, with feeling this way, I approached my fiance. He told me that he feels the same way and didn't say anything because he thought I wanted kids so badly, and didn't want to disappoint me. I was SO relieved to know I wasn't the only one who felt this way.

However, my mother in law has been making comments about when we have kids, and, giving her lots of grandkids and I can't handle it. We aren't even sure if we want kids. As it stands today, we don't want any. Now, that's not to say that in 5 years, we won't feel differently, because we very well could. But, I feel like she expects it and the pressure is on.

Here's the thing. We don't want to have kids because OTHER people want us to. We want it to be a choice that we make as a couple. And I feel like people are so rude and intrusive and I'm not sure how to handle this. I've brought the idea up to my parents and they were really understanding about it. I did it so that if we decide Not to have kids, they aren't shocked by it.

But my mother in law just won't understand. How has everyone else gone about the telling/dealing with family? I would be the first one in my family Not to have children, by choice. I feel like we would be judged and ridiculed. I just don't know how to feel right now.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:53 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:52 pm
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Hi Jess, and welcome to the forum. I read your story, and it sounds like you and your fiancé are on the same page. And may I just say, that is all that matters. There may be no easy answer when it comes to dealing with in-laws, but I'm wondering, how much do they have to be in your lives, and are you willing to change that in order to keep your own sanity? My decision to be CF was met with confusion, but what really keep me at arm's length with family is my differences in religious and political views. I am okay with not being super close with my family, but if it comes down to that, will you? Is your mother-in-law going to be seeing you every day? Only on holidays? Can you put your foot down with her without her turning around and trying to get your fiancé on her side? Can you keep your distance and only see her on special occasions? How much does her opinion influence your daily lives?

I wish you the best in your CF life and marriage. I'm sure you will also find some good advice in other threads here dealing with family and other outside opinions.


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Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 5:20 pm 
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You two are the ones whose lives will be most impacted by your choice to have or not have children. No one else's opinions on the topic should matter. You both seem to be on the same page about how much of an upheaval a child would have on your lives, which is fantastic. Keep communicating with each other and supporting each other, and you should be able to weather the scrutiny from in-laws and other family members that would never have to actually raise or pay for your hypothetical children.

_________________
“First they came for the Socialists, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I said nothing—Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller


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Unread postPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 9:25 pm 
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Your MIL to be can "expect" all she wants. But if you and your fiance, the people who would have to birth, pay for and raise a child, decide you don't want one, then that's the end of the discussion. As we've often told people on here, the only reason that you need to not have children is "We don't want to". In the meantime, when people ask, just smile and say "We'll see" (you in hell first) ...

Judged and ridiculed? What anyone else thinks is not your problem, and you need to remember that when people start attacking you about your life choices (which they will). Those choices affect nobody but you, so nobody else gets an opinion. You may have to toughen up a little and start standing up for yourself, but trust me, it does get easier with practice.

You should tell your MIL at some stage, when you're totally comfortable with your decision. But make sure that when you do, it's her son that tells her, and that he makes it clear that it's a joint decision. So it doesn't make you out to be the cold-hearted b***h that talked her little boy out of having babies.

Enjoy your wedding. Deal with this later. Much later. :lol:

_________________
"Children are awful. Source: Was child."


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Unread postPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 8:59 pm 
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I can definitely empathize with this. My husband is an only child and I didn't even really want to have a wedding, but we had a small one since it meant a lot to his mother (and she loaned us a bit of money because it was so important to her). That is something I was willing to compromise on, she is a great mom and person so I was happy to make her happy. She also expected grandkid(s), but that is something we couldn't compromise on. We told her together that we wouldn't be having them and that my husband got a vasectomy. She was naturally sad, and she even cried which made me feel awful for "taking that away from her" so to speak, but she accepted it and has gained step children and grandkids through them that fill that void for her. I don't know how your mother in law is or if you have sisters or brothers-in-law that might be able to fill that void for her, but even if that is not the case, you can't have children for other people. It won't be an easy conversation, but if you really can't take her constantly pestering you and don't think she'll make you out as others said as "the bad guy", then it might be a worthwhile conversation to have. Whatever you choose in the end though is up to you and your soon to be husband and no one else. Good luck, I hope have a great wedding day and an even better marriage!


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Unread postPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:01 am 
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Because you don't know how to feel about everything right now, I would say nothing. If asked when you are having children, reply with, "That's not open for discussion" or if you want to sound less full on "Oh I don't know" then change the subject. If your mother in law talks about wanting heaps of grandchildren, smile and change the conversation. I found the first year of marriage the worst as everyone was expecting pregnancy news.

I would wait until you are comfortable with your decision and are ready to share the news. It should definitely come from your husband and he should make sure they understand this is what he wants as well. We waited until the end of our child bearing age, when the news didn't come as much of a shock as people were then expecting we wouldn't have kids.

You may need to practice some well rehearsed lines that you are comfortable with to shut down conversations and stick to them. Don't get drawn into a discussion on the why's with your mother in law.


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