I have been happily married for 10 years (together for 13), and every year I have been postponing the decision about children. I should also mention that my husband adores children and always wanted them, and my parents, in-laws and grandparents are obsessed with children and always talking about how I need to have them to have a purpose in life. My friends all have children and are constantly discussing how miserable they are, but nevertheless insist that I should have children. I was never one of the people that adores children, but I am terrified by the responsibility, lack of sleep, financial burden and no actual desire for them from my side.
I think that if it were up to me, I would probably never have children and be very happy, but the pressure at this point in time made me so confused that I cannot even separate my desires from the desires of my husband and the pressure from my family and friends. Additionally, I am terrified of pregnancy, so even though my husband seems to be on board with surrogacy this would be an additional cost of $100k and hormonal injections. I am not sure what I am looking for here other than support, ways to figure out what makes sense for me and not others and any help in making this decision anyone can offer. Thank you for reading.
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:08 am Posts: 3743 Location: UK
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, all I can say is look into your own heart and be clear about what YOU want. It's all very well others talking about YOU having kids but it will be you that ends up with the responsibility, cost and all the things you mentioned.
Regardless of adorable your husband finds kids (and regardless of anything he says to the contrary) it will be you that ends up with the lion's share of the work in relation to their upbringing. Based on the stories I've read here and my own and close family/friends experience, men see having kids as playing ball with them, having fun, doing the good stuff. They don't see the unutterable tedium and hard graft involved and why would they, because that's all they see other men doing...the fun stuff.
it seems to me that you don't want kids but seem to be bowing under the pressure from a bunch of people who will not have any involvement, what's worse is they're lying to you. You can see this, they tell you they're miserable, you can see they're miserable and yet they keep pushing you to become one of their misery gang. That is not the sign of good friends to me, that's a sign of a bunch of people wanting others to make the same mistakes as they did so they don't feel they they're the only ones who have been foolish.
This sounds harsh but from what I've read it's time for you to man up and say 'no, this is not want I want and I will not be your puppet, if you lot want kids feel free to have them, i wont be obliging you'.
I really can't appreciate the pressure you're under right now, I'm not you or in your environment. But I can tell you this, if you think it's bad now this will be nothing but a gnat bite compared with the reality of having a child you don't want and then being responsible for it for the rest of your life. It's not fair to the kid and it's certainly not fair to you and make no mistake a child is a lifetime committment.
If it were me (and I know it isn't) I'd take the approach of short term pain (i.e. tell everyone else who wants to mess with your life it's not going to happen) for long term gain (enjoying your life they way you want to live it).
_________________ 'I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability'..Oscar Wilde
'Let it be awful, let it be wonderful, but let it be uncommon'.......
I can offer you some guidance here. Our (my wife Cheryl and I) have just had our book published. It's entitled Enough of Us: Why we should think twice before making children.It is available everywhere books are sold, most cheaply through our website, http://www.enoughof.us. If you would rather not spend the 16 bucks ($4 for the ebook) you can just visit the site and tour our blog posts. I after reading all this stuff, your mind is still not made up, then you might as well face the fact that you are addicted to the idea of trying the baby experiment for yourself. I wish you the best of luck. And remember, you can try adopting and thereby do the world a favor in the bargain.
Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:32 pm Posts: 1534 Location: Top of Virginia
I agree that adopting would be a better option than surrogacy, but in either case you need to make sure it is something that you really want. Is not wanting to experience pregnancy your primary concern, or is it just the whole idea of parenting in general? Have you been around kids much, and if so, has that only increased your certainty that you don't want any of your own?
As hard as it may be to tell your husband and his family that you just don't want kids, it would be even harder to spend 18+ years parenting a child you never wanted. Kids add stress to a marriage even when they are wanted by both parents, so it is never a good idea to "compromise" if you feel strongly that you do not want kids.
I am terrified by the responsibility, lack of sleep, financial burden and no actual desire for them from my side.
It's so clear from your post that you don't want children. You're not confused. You're being pressured, and having a hard time standing up to it. Your husband is the ONLY one who has any legitimate opinion on the matter of children in your marriage. I think you need to have a discussion with him and tell him you don't want them (or at least don't think you want them), and see where it goes from there.
Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 3:31 pm Posts: 315 Location: New Hampshire
The first thing to do is tune out parents, in-laws, siblings, and friends. This is a decision that is between and you and your husband and no one else. Keep in mind that to those folks, your baby would be a plaything - something for them to hold/spoil/play with on weekends and give back when it gets cranky/sick/hungry/etc. If I were you I would have a frank discussion with DH and tell him how you feel about pregnancy and parenting. Unfortunately, if he really wants kids and you really don't things might not work out. But that would be better than becoming a mom to please him and be miserable for the rest of your life. Best of luck to you.
_________________ "My friends ask me, 'Who's gonna take care of you when you're old if you don't have kids?' and I say 'How about the smokin' hot Sweedish nurse I'm payin' for with the money I saved by not having kids.'"-a comedian I heard on the radio
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