I won't ever date a man with kid(s) for a few reasons.

First, he will most likely have to spend his weekends with the kid. That means no dates, no going away for the weekend, etc. because he has the kid.

He will probably be pretty financially strapped due to having to pay child support. That means that he and I won't be able to do as many things as we like (going out to dinner, away on vacations, etc.). Everything will have some kind of a financial constraint to it.

What if the kid gets older and decides he/she doesn't want to live with the mother anymore and wants to come live with dad? What if the mother passed away in a car accident?? Obviously the father would get full custody. There goes my CF life.

Spending holidays away from the child may be difficult for him. He will probably choose the child over me.

Basically it comes down to me not being his priority. I don't want to date a man that means the world to me.....he is my #1, but I'm #2 to him. Bottom line is that he will ALWAYS choose his child over the girlfriend/second wife, etc.

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Bail Bondsman of the "Cass is a horrible person...and she's also ugly!" club.

"I'm going to cut that child with a dull and rusty butterknife!"--spoken by a co-worker after some kids total meltdown

I'm late to the party, but I do have a perspective on this.

My husband never saw his son when we first got together- SS's Mom wasn't having it. She "oopsed" him when they first got together and was suprised that he was serious about not wanting to have a bunch of kids, and she was so mad she pulled the "you'll never see him" card. Hubby was making plans to join the Air Force after we married and we were going to move far away, so I wasn't going to have to be a parent. I never met his son before we were married, his mom kept him away. Hubby was ready to sign his rights away so he didn't have to deal with SS's mom anymore.

Guess what happened? There were problems, no AF, and child's mom decided since Hubby was going to be around, he could have a relationship with his kid after all. My husband didn't want his son to feel unwanted since it takes two to tango and he had a part in his creation. At that point it was either become a step-parent, or divorce my husband, who I had married because I love him. I chose to suport my husband and stick by him.

It has been hard, and there are many times I wish I didn't have to deal with kid bullshit, but there are more good times than bad. I still love my husband more than anything, and have had the oppertunity to share a perspective that my SS might not have had otherwise.

I am child-free. If my husband and I split up, I will have no children. I don't feel that having someone else's child in my life negates me being childfree.

I went through weighing all this out when I hooked up with my guy. I wrote huge journal entries about the pros and cons for weeks of the early part o f our relationship. My conclusion was basically: "This is going to get messy at some point, and there is a high risk of big problems... but I think this guy is worth giving it a shot."

I've been unusually lucky. That clearly reckless decision I made at age 21 hasn't thrown back more at me than I can handle, and I was fortunate to be right about this guy being worth it.

Some people are willing to take the risks. Some aren't. Some potential partners are worth taking those risks against your better judgment. Some just aren't. Some have enough sense to not even bring the matter up for consideration. Some are reckless (and/or youthful) fools who get burned and never go near that situation again. And some of the youthful fools get lucky. We take the risks, believe our partners to be worthy, and somehow don't get charred beyond recognition.

Just like being CF, the decision to date a parent is a wholly individual decision, mired in all the little details of the child and ex situation, the partner's disposition toward the situation, and one's own personality, approach to the situation, and willingness to take on (an agreed upon portion of) the partner's baggage. It's multi-faceted, it's complicated, and it's a unique decision to each person who makes it. Every situation, and person is different. Our decisions are just as different as we are.

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I would have preferred to battle the valiant, but I guess you'll have to do.

Just yesterday my husband and I attended the wedding of one of his co-workers. The guy had made it clear for years he didn't want kids, but he ended up marrying a woman with a son who is about 6.

She has sole custody of the child. In fact, they met because she had joint custody and needed legal help because there were signs of physical abuse when her son was visiting his biological father. (My husband and he both work for the equivalent of legal aid here.) He didn't deal with the case much more than the beginnings, since he deals more with civil law, but there was some mutual attraction, so they kept in touch.

A few people were teasing him about becoming a stepfather since he never wanted kids. Even now it sure doesn't seem like he wants any of his own. However, they'd been together for 3 1/2 years before marrying, though, so it seems like he has had enough time to figure out what he is getting into and he decided it is worth it, even though it wasn't how he probably pictured his life. The kid was at the wedding, and it least it seems like he is quite well behaved and is happy to have a new stepfather in his life. The kid's bio dad sure isn't a prize, so I am sure the kid is better off now.

Not something I could do, but they really seem happy so I hope it works for them.

I know somebody who married a guy with a two year old.. They only dated for about six months, so I don't think she fully grasped what she was getting into. Before the marriage, she wanted a kid with him solely to have their own..?
After marriage and having to wrangle her stepson 24/7, and then baby sitting her newborn niece for a few days(along with parenting her stepson), she then tells me she doesn't want any, but her husband was wanting like three more kids. Needless to say, it didn't work out. It only lasted like a year before she was gone.
I think what happened was he wanted her to stay home, give up going out with friends, make babies and have no life. But, she also cheated on him before their split, so they both were doing some pretty bad things. I do think that if he saw her more as a person(his loving wife) and not just a uterus, she wouldn't have strayed. Not that I'm condoning cheating, but I really can't blame her for wanting to get out of that mess and find somebody who would accept and appreciate her for who she is.

I personally don't think I could marry somebody with a kid. When I say I don't want children, I don't want children. And, this might sound horrible.. But I love that my husband and I are each other's first priority in our lives, and couldn't imagine feeling second to anybody else. If there's an ex involved, you have to put up with them, and their attitudes. Oh, and the "You're not my mom!!" rants.

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“I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.” ~ Albert Einstein

"A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor." ~ Unknown

Hi! First time poster here. I just wanted to add a little bit to this discussion because I feel that it really is a good question.

I have been married 8 years and have a 13 year old SS. Much like a previous poster, I officially became CF several years into our marriage. I feel that my experience with my SS allowed me to embrace my biological childfreedom with relief and knowledge that I really wasn't missing out on anything. Plus, I kinda feel like I'm "off the hook" b/c I know my MIL would draw up the divorce papers if DH didn't already have SS.

Being CF has actually enhanced my relationship with SS. The 1st few times I heard "You're not MY MOM!" I was all, "Ya, I know, THANK GOD!" That quickly ended those arguments I'm a loving adult in his life, much like a grandma, and support DH in discipline and scheduling.

It probably does help that I missed the baby/toddler phases, and we have 3 blissful childless days every week. Honestly couldn't do it otherwise, because it really does have its hard parts, especially around holidays.

That was my answer too! Shut him right up, lol. I have no patience for that nonsense.

I'm CF, but my bf of two years has a teenage daughter. Until I met my bf I would never have considered dating a man with kids. The only reason this situation works for me is because the mother has custody and he only has his daughter every other weekend. The age gap also helps - he's 46, I'm 30 and his daughter is 14, so I'm in more of a big sister than a step mom role. I also don't live with my bf so there's no expectation of taking on any "mothering" of his daughter. I was very clear at the beginning that I had no interest in having children of my own, or any interest in becoming a mother to his child. He accepted that.

She's a great kid and we get along really well, but this is not a situation I would normally have chosen to put myself in. If for whatever reason things don't work out with my bf, I will not date a man with children again.

As easy as my situation is, there is always so much more drama and headaches when there are children involved. It's just not worth it, IMO.

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My Travel Blog - Tales from the Backpack

I only ever dated one guy with a kid and she was a teenager. I was young and figured that by the time he and I got serious the kid would be going off to college.

As it turned out, he and I never became much of anything (despite the whirlwind romance and the great sex) and his daughter left home even sooner than I expected! He was a lousy single father (his baby mamma had died, and he divorced his second wife. Too much drama for me anyway) and his daughter moved across the country to live with her maternal grandparents, finish high school and on to college.

Anyway, after that close encounter with the childed, I decided I was too young to date anyone with kids and made no kids, no ex-wives my mantra while dating. It worked too, and I found one and married him and he's CF too!

But if I were to find myself single, later in life (god forbid) I know that older singletons who are CF are few and far between (my sister is in that boat now, 55 and dating again and EVERYONE has kids, luckily older children.) I would consider the circumstances. If a guy has older kids, children that live far away, are closer with their maternal family... things like that. I might be able to tolerate a childed mate BUT the sex would have to be MIND BLOWING!!!

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I try to do as the matchbook says: "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

I'm a little late but I wanted to pipe in.

My husband has a ten year old daughter. When I met him she was just about to turn three. At that point, I hadn't really given much thought to having children or not. I wasn't an early articulator and was on the fence. I could have went either way. However, after his daughter came to live with us full time when she was three and a half, I decided I didn't want kids. She is a really well behaved, but I saw first hand how much work they are, and she isn't even mine! I still have my freedom, my husband is very understanding that sometimes I just need to escape and go have a beer or be by myself a little bit. But I do love that little shit and we get along really well. I know she looks up to me as her main female influence and I do take that role seriously.

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"Abba-Zabba, You my only friend!"
-Thurgood Jenkins

www.abigailpfeiffer.com