Hi everyone. I am in desperate need of a place to vent and not be judged. I am childfree by choice though I did marry someone with children. The children do not live with us all of the time but the time that they are here, they tend to drive me nuts. Now they are good kids mostly but I cannot stand crying and fighting and the lack of privacy I receive when they are here. I can’t even go to my bedroom without them wanting to come in and ‘play’. I have told them that they have their own rooms to play in and that my room is off limits. My husband does not seem to enforce the ‘childfree bedroom’ rule. He would like to feel as if the kids have free access to the entire house. I however feel that if the kids have their own rooms, they do not need to enter ours. There are no toys in our room and though we do have a tv in our room, they also have tvs in their rooms as well as in the living room. The kids are always, always fighting with one another and whenever I get two seconds alone with my husband, they try to interrupt our time, (usually either by starting a fist fight with each other or just because, “they’re bored”.
I am not a terrible person and I do like the kids but I do not love them like their father does. I don’t think it’s really possible to love children that aren’t yours in the same way as the biological parent does. I obviously would prefer to not have kids around as I do not ‘do well’ with kids but I am madly in love with their father and that will never change. I will put up with being a stepparent until the kids are grown because after that it’s just me and their dad. The children’s bio mom is in the picture and has them quite often. That is another reason why I think it’s hard for me to act parental towards them because they have two parents in their lives already. They don’t listen to my rules and the rules I come up with are never enforced by their dad. (He’s a great guy but he’s a little too soft on them). I think that when they are closer to adulthood, it will be easier for me to tolerate them because there will not be as much silly behavior, (fighting, crying, whining, etc).
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:08 am Posts: 3724 Location: UK
Put a lock on the bedroom door and when you're in there....just lock it.
I think though you need to have a serious chat with 'dad', because kids never go away regardless of their age. Boundaries need to be set and enforced and if they're with you a significant amount of time then having 'dad' undermine you is just going to drive a wedge between you.
_________________ 'I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability'..Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:53 pm Posts: 3771 Location: Boise, ID
Same deal here as in your other question. Their Dad (your husband) is the problem. He won't enforce any rules. Maybe because he feels guilty that he's not with the kids all the time, so he lets them get away with everything. Still, he's disrespecting you because it's not like keeping the kids out of your bedroom is abusive or evil. You have a right to privacy in your own home. He doesn't seem to understand this, and thinks you are obligated to kowtow to his kids because they are his - and you adore him. Frankly, he knows damn good and well that you are going to put up with whatever the kids do because you love him. So he doesn't have to do anything to discipline them. He knows you won't leave, and apparently he doesn't care about your feelings.
Oh, and if you think you'll be done with the kids when they turn 18, read the other thread on here about that. Even if they don't live with you, they will still be in your life. Perhaps as a financial drain or at least on holidays and for whatever crises they come running to Dad for. You won't be free of them. Ever.
_________________ "A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it." -- D. H. Lawrence
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:11 pm Posts: 910 Location: Phoenix, AZ
I completely understand the bedroom issue. I am the same way. I do not like my stepdaughter coming into my bedroom. This doesn't mean she is never allowed in there, but rarely, and my bedroom is not her hang out zone. She has bedroom.
This is an issue with the husband not the kids, as far as I can see. Kids are going to push boundaries as much as possible so it's up to dad to put his foot down. If he doesn't I would simply leave when the kids are there. Let him deal with them alone and you go to the movies, shopping, get a hotel room if it's that bad. I think your husband may get the picture then. Hopefully.
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Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:55 pm Posts: 102 Location: Inner West Side Sydney
The issue as I see it, is your partner's lack of boundary-setting for the children, rather than their behaviour.
It's not unreasonable to have your bedroom as a 'safe' place.
I feel your pain, my ex's 7yr old son (who I did care about a lot) was a bed wetter. Every night he'd wet the bed.
One night he was sick and wanted to come in and sleep with daddy. I wasn't comfortable having him in the bed in the first place.
I was also less than comfortable when I woke up in piss-ridden bed sheets, which my ex dismissed saying 'It's kiddie piss, don't be so precious' (what like it matters who's piss it is WTF)
It was just a story to make you laugh, I hope your partner is NOTHING like my bad ex.
I think you need to talk to him somewhere neutral when the kids aren't with you. Explain about why you need the room as your safe place, about boundaries and respect. You're not trying to raise them with him, they have parents. BUT he needs to nurture your relationship and feelings too, you have a right to feel comfortable in your own home and have a place to escape to when you need.
It's not your job to enforce discipline. You need to make it clear to your husband that you don't want them in the bedroom, so he can make it clear to them. Sure it might not matter to him, but it matters to you and that is important. Maybe they want to be in the room so bad because they know it's off limits to some degree. Maybe you can let them in every once in a while as a reward for good behavior and play a game or something to get it out of their system, as long as they know that time is special.
Hi CristinaH. I feel like you are looking for some support. I came here for the same and honestly, I feel a bit worse now than before. Not that it is a bad thing necessarily, this board has brought a lot of things to light for me. I was terribly disappointed that I feel like most of the CF Step stories are so incredibly negative and it is kind of scary. I think the people who are successful at it are obviously not on a site like this, right?
I don't have any great advice. I live with a guy that has 2 kids, but they do not live with us ever. They MAY someday and that's when this all started for me (really looking closely at who I am and how I want to proceed or not with this relationship). Obviously for you it's a bit different since you are already married.
I think the one thing you can do is be brutally honest with your husband about who you are. It really is a core part of your being (at least that is what i get from most people on this site, they, like me, feel that being CF is who they are, defining). It's odd, right? I kind of feel like a pregnant teen lol! Meaning, I sort of just "let this happen" without too much thought or analysis because it's just "what people do".
Anyway, I think if you can focus on the positives with your husband and tell him how much you cherish your alone time with him and specific examples of what you love about your lifestyle when the kids are away, that might help. I did this with my guy and he is very open. Of course, we don't actually have the kids around so it's easier for him to manage or balance it probably. Also, can you work out some kind of a code or schedule that would signal to him that you need some alone time with him? I don't know how old the kids are.....do they need constant supervision? Or how long the kids are with you at a time.
I would highly recommend AGAINST the "getting a hotel" room thing. Anytime you put distance between you and your spouse it's a bad thing. My opinion only and I am divorced lol...so take it with a grain of salt! But to me it would seem like an ultimatum or a threat to do that. I mean if you need to do it just to recoup or relax, then that is ok but you should make it clear that it is for you and not a threat.
I do think the whole boundaries thing will need to be worked out with the dad, but I have NO CLUE how to do that in practice since I am not a Mom! Do you know any parents that you think have really well behaved kids? You could ask them how they set boundaries and what skills they use and then suggest these to your man.
Anyway.....its hard and I feel for you. I hope you find some support here too. GOOD LUCK!!
Cristina, I am exactly like you. I have never wanted kids of my own, I recently got tubal sterilized and I'm 28. I have been living with my boyfriend of 2 years and he has 2 children, boys that stay with us every other week. Basically I am only happy every other week. On the weeks that they are here in the house they drive me crazy with the loud talking the use of the electricity, the fighting and the interruptions of our time together. They also don't make my boyfriend a nice person, he seems always angry on those weeks and we never just feel happy. I absolutely love him and have tried to leave in the past, because of this issue. We both were so torn because of the split that I decided to stay for him. The weeks that we get just to ourselves are so peaceful and happy, we feel like newly in love teenagers. What should we do other than try to wait it out to enjoy the time when the kids move out?
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