He has a son under the age of 2, from another woman. They are on speaking terms and to my knowledge, she only contacts him when she needs extra child support. That's more than alright with me, as I just don't want her butting into our marriage apart from the necessary niceties. She has another son (between the ages of 5 and 10) from a previous marriage (but that seems sort of irrelevant).
That whole mess is on the other side of the country, so there's no physical contact and no threat of homewrecking, etc. But when we were visiting that locale (his parents live there too) for Christmas, the way he handled the child made me ill. The way the child made him so happy; the way he looked at the child's mother and hardly paid any mind to the fact that I was there at all absolutely sickened me. It made me worry, a lot.
It made me worry that he'd want a child, from me. One he would be able to see every day. One he'd be able to raise firsthand. And then I felt pressured, and guilty, and a whole mess of emotions that make me sick to even think about. I sometimes fear that I will lose him if I can't fill that void. He says it's okay, and he says he doesn't want another child, but I think he's only saying that to spare my feelings.
How should I cope with this?
I don't think I've ever explained this to anyone else, so anyone's input is greatly appreciated.
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:53 pm Posts: 3771 Location: Boise, ID
Did you talk about this before you got married? If you really think he's going to want a kid, you'd better corner him now. I see no reason to waste any more time with him if he's going to want a kid and you adamantly do NOT. Get an answer out of him and if he still says he doesn't want any more kids, then tell him you're going to get sterilized. He'll either be supportive or he'll be horrified. Then you'll know whether or not you have anything to worry about.
_________________ "A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it." -- D. H. Lawrence
I have discussed sterilization with him and have, in fact, been tossing around the idea of going in to see a gynecologist (though I am terrified of hospitals). Is it even possible for a childless, 22-year old female to be sterilized? I have always heard that you have to already have a couple children before they'll help you.
He has entertained the idea of getting sterilized himself, but I have not yet seen him making any moves toward progress with that.
This issue was thoroughly discussed before marriage and he reassured me that he's fine with me being childless by choice. Maybe it's just me being unnecessarily paranoid?
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:08 am Posts: 3709 Location: UK
When I read your post I didn't get any sense that he was pressurising you at all and he has reassured you that he doesn't want another kid.
Your concerns seem to be self-inflicted, because of the way he responded at Xmas.......but really, what do you expect him to do, ignore the kid and the mother? It's easy to be happy when you know you're going to be walking away from it in a few hours...Plenty of CF people actually like kids and enjoy spending time with them, but wanting that burden 24/7 for the next few decades is a whole different ballgame.
I'm assuming he sees them once a year, a Xmas......and, as you say, the rest of the time they're on the other side of the continent.
I wouldn't fret about it, but I would encourage you both to make steps to sort out the sterilisations. That will really flush any hidden agendas out into the open.
_________________ 'I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated his ability'..Oscar Wilde
'Let it be awful, let it be wonderful, but let it be uncommon'.......
From what you've shared, he's supportive of your choices and you have nothing to worry about. It's good that he loves his kid. He can love his kid and be totally involved with his/her life without expecting you to have your own, and he's even stated that he knows you don't want kids and doesn't mind. You've got nothing to stress over.
_________________ Official Cat Groomer of the "Cass is a Horrible Person, and She's Also Ugly!" Club
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