Pre-exisitng kids are a 100% deal breaker for me. No one could be worth that drama.

If the kids are minors there is the annoyance of weekends being spoken for, vacation time being at disney world rather than cool places that I actually want to go to(sans kids), my income being used to supllement child support, baby mama drama etc etc.

If the kids are adults I would have to deal with my spouse spening his would be retirement money on college and elaborate weddings etc etc. My retirement savings would have to be for both of us which would push back our actually age of retirement many years. In the event that my spouse died first (which would be likely since men tend to go first) I would have to deal with his greedy kids trying to take the belongings we purchased together and the money we saved together. The entitlement abounds. All the while I would be considered the wicked stepmother for daring to make claim on my husbands money and belongings. Screw that.

I want a spouse who I can put sirst and who will put me first. No mooching offspring involved.

I have been seeing someone who has two children from his previous marriage (15 and 20 years old) and while he doesn't make a ton of money he is doing very well financially. I think he would do well with money with or without children. Honestly he does feel that support payment monthly for his younger daughter but we just returned from a trip to Europe for nearly 2 weeks too so it isn't that bad. How his ex-wife does supporting her part of the child is something I don't have any knowledge on (nor do I want it) but he helps out his kids in ways that go beyond the support payment. For example apparently there is some sort of obligation to buy children "after school is done" clothes for the summer and he was just doing that yesterday (I am so glad I don't have kids-and when the hell did this "tradition" start anyway?). He also gives his older daughter who is in college money here and there when she needs it. If the guy is a decent dad and takes care of his kids he is probably helping out financially in other areas as well beyond the support payments. Not to mention the weekends or other time he has the child(ren) on his own.

I suppose everyone will feel differently on this issue but I have never had issues dating men with children (this is the second relationship I have been in with this situation). It doesn't bother me in the slightest. There is no "right way" to be CF and if you find someone compatible that is often much more important than the "already has kids" box that is checked. If you set your parameters for what you are willing and not willing to participate in and that person agrees then it is possible to work it out.

_________________
~Sara
"Selfishness is not living ones life at one chooses to live, but is asking others to live their lives as one chooses to live" Oscar Wilde

I love your outlook. Very mature, thoughtful, and open-minded (and -hearted, really). I've given this topic a lot of thought, and I really agree with you.

It sounds easier for you, having such a flexibility. I'm in the "has kids=100% no interest" camp. It is truly a visceral reaction to me. I totally lose my girl woodie at the mention of a guy having kids. Seriously. He can be attractive, intelligent, have a great sense of humor, but the minute the words "I have kids" comes out of his mouth, it stimulates a feeling of revulsion. And that can be disheartening, but I simply know that I cannot stomach a relationship impacted by kids



Participate in - yes. Gauging the potential impact to your life - no. I can just picture too many scenarios where important things might be going on in your life (a special birthday/planned vacation for the two of you/HOLIDAYS) that can be disrupted by the kids.

Sums up my feelings exactly. Also, I think setting parameters just isn't possible (unless I've misunderstood the OP's post). It might be all right to say "I will never see your children" when you are dating but I imagine it will lead to a lot of drama. Then if you live with someone, or even just spend a lot of time with them, eventually, the day will come when they aren't well and they have a choice between asking you to pick up the kids from school or asking their partner, who is meant to be having their bit of time off...I just can't see how you can maintain a relationship without being forced to take some of this on. Then if you were never involved with the kids, their perception of their parent's partner would be very negative and bound to impact on you at some point.

That's why I won't go out with someone who has children. It just sounds like it's got an expiration date on it. I also lose interest just hearing the words. It may be unfair, but just hearing that someone wanted to take on all the boredom of infants would make me wonder what we had in common.

I can see myself making an exception for adult children but then the fear of "what happens if they have babies?" kicks in. I can't see myself getting more tolerant of babies and infants when I'm 60+..

_________________
"I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude." Henry David Thoreau

Nope. Even if i wasnt cf i wouldnt do it. Im way too emotionally high maintenance to not be my OHs top priority

_________________
Ready, set, go away.

[quote="ChinHoTep]I'm in the "has kids=100% no interest" camp. It is truly a visceral reaction to me. I totally lose my girl woodie at the mention of a guy having kids. Seriously. He can be attractive, intelligent, have a great sense of humor, but the minute the words "I have kids" comes out of his mouth, it stimulates a feeling of revulsion.[/quote]
This is absolutely me too. My immediate reaction to hearing those words is to flash forward through every parenting nightmare, and then get handed a grandchild to look after at the end ... and that's when I say "OK, then, see you later."

Reminds me of my equally CF friend telling me she was standing in the bank lineup, next to, and I quote "the most gorgeous man I have ever seen". She proceeded to wax on about how totally lickable this guy was, and then a small child ran up, bumped into his legs and said "hi daddy" ... and she went "ugh" and went back to texting on her phone.

It would definitely be easier if you liked kids, but I don't. And maybe I'm negative, but all I can think of is all the downsides - the money going out the door, the time you don't get to spend with him because he's doing kid stuff, the weekends you can't take off to the mountains because he has the kids, the mama drama ... no. If I can come to the relationship with no baggage, I'd really prefer that he could do the same, or I'd always feel that I was getting stiffed.

_________________
"Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions."

Right now I'm seriously considering dating a man who has 2 kids. His 2 daughters are 7 and 11 and he only has them on the weekends. He still makes time to text me even when he has them, so I feel confident that, as his potential girlfriend, I would be a top priority. He doesn't talk excessively about them, usually only if I ask him something related to his girls. I don't hate kids, per se, but if they're going to be involved in my life, they better be well-behaved and polite. I don't have any nieces/nephews yet so I really have no kids in my life for comparison purposes, so to say. This man has had a vasectomy and he's totally accepting that I'm CF. He gets along with his ex-wife for the sake of the kids. He's attractive, romantic, fun, smart...I'm going to at least give this a chance

_________________
"Children are the future...today belongs to ME!" Lindsay Naegle ('The Simpsons')

My boyfriend has a 15 year old daughter. She was 12 the first time I met her.

I have no intention of entering a relationship with a parent again. His daughter is wonderful and I get along with her really, really well. My boyfriend has also been good about trying not to put any pressure on me in terms of any relationship I develop with his daughter. However, there is still pressure whether it's voiced or not.

My BF currently only has every second weekend with his daughter (which is the only reason I agreed to date him in the first place), but he would definitely take 50/50 or 100% custody if he could. Early on in the relationship he definitely had plans for us to move in together and for me to help him change the custody arrangements. I had to put the kaibosh on those plans pretty quickly! Even when they SAY they don't want you to mother their children, there is ALWAYS some part of them that expects you to.

Over the last few years, I've given up several evenings and weekends to ferry her to events or babysit when she was younger. I've also had weekend plans fall through at the last minute because of being jerked around by her bio-mom and custody disputes. I've even inherited a cat because of her idiot bio-mom.

The daughter always comes first for him. I knew that up front and I don't view it as a bad thing because it gives me a lot more space in the relationship. It is extremely annoying not being able to be spontaneous though. Plans are always subject to change with no notice.

I set some pretty clear boundaries early on in the relationship and I think that's key to making it work. It is also be a very good indicator as to where you really stand with your partner. If they can't/won't respect your boundaries in regards to their children, there's no point wasting any your time on them.

_________________
My Travel Blog - Tales from the Backpack

The only reality I need to know is that there is a child(ren) involved in the relationship; this, for me, includes way too many possible problems. As others said: the custody issue (it can change), the drama surrounding the other bio-parent, the possibility of future grandchildren, etc. But regardless of all the many horrible aspects of the possible realities - all I need to know about the reality of step-parenthood is it has the word "parent" in it, and includes offspring, to know it's not for me.

Obviously each person has their own tolerances and dealbreakers!

_________________
"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anais Nin