"But you ARE a Mother!"

Written by Feebee Monday, 28 December 2009 23:30

A couple of years ago, when I was coming to terms with the reality that I would not have children, a colleague asked me that dreaded question: “Do you have children?” The colleague concerned is a mother of three children and comes from the Maori culture in which family is paramount. As I sat there in the lunch-room with her, I wondered how best to explain it.

“No,” I replied. “I would have liked to have been a mother, but it didn’t turn out that way for me.”

“But you are a mother,” she said.

I looked at her, puzzled.

“Look at how you care for the young people who work for you,” she said. “You have such a nurturing personality. You don’t have to have your own children to be a mother.”

I was stunned. Truly, I had never previously heard a mother be so generous in their definition of motherhood. In my years of wanting children, but not being able to have them, I’d felt excluded from the ‘club’ – that closed membership for ‘proper grown-ups’ who know about the important “life-changing experience of parenting” and who seemed to think themselves somehow superior as a result.

At the time I wanted to hug her. Because, in that simple statement, she was acknowledging the huge contribution that I - and all the other childfree people in this world - make to the lives of young people.

Aunts, uncles, Godparents, step-parents, older brothers and sisters, teachers, babysitters, nannies, leaders, mentors and helpers – we all play a unique and significant role in children’s upbringing, and – quite frankly – parents couldn’t do without us.

In my 20’s I spent many hours and days assisting in the raising of my nephews and niece. I have had the time and energy to participate in their lives that my own aunts and uncles (parents themselves) never had for me. I show interest in their achievements and listen to them when they have important things to say. Now, as a result, I have the benefit of extraordinary and inspiring relationships with the three of them; they are fine young adults forging their own ways in life but always influenced positively by the input of their extended family.

In my early 30’s I was selected by my friends’ 15-year-old son to be his ‘Godmother’. Having noted that his sister had a Godparent while he did not, he was offered the chance to choose one by his quirky but lovable parents. In one of the more heart-warming moments of my life, he chose me. Since then, he has often referred to his “Godmum” for advice on issues he felt he couldn’t raise with his true parents for fear of their over-reaction. With me, he can talk things out to an objective listener.

Later in my 30’s I married my second husband and became a stepmother to his son, then 19. It’s been a slightly rocky road and taken a few years to develop trust and understanding from both sides, but now, as he makes the nerve-wracking transition from university to the working world, he is leaning on me more and more for mentoring and advice. I’m the one with the impartial outside viewpoint he can’t get from Mum and Dad.

My husband and I sponsor a nine-year-old girl in a Nepalese orphanage. We pay for her food, clothing and schooling and watch with delight as she grows up and earns top marks in her school exams. The commitment we have made is for life in our eyes, affordable because we decided not to have the late-in-life baby we could have produced.

And now, in my 40’s, at a more mature place in my career, I am enjoying mentoring the three young women on my team, watching them develop skills and confidence as they begin to flourish in their chosen careers.

These are just a few examples of the young people I have positively influenced, and I am just one childfree person amongst many. Most of us would agree: without children of our own we have the energy, the time, the money or the independent views that are so valuable to the young people in our lives.

When I told my colleague about my nephews, my niece, my Godson, my stepson and my adopted Nepalese girl, she looked at me, shook her head and said “What did I tell you? You’re a mother!”

Months later, I attended a conference in the Texan summer and competed in a 5km run. Having made it without collapsing, I proudly posted a Facebook status update to share my achievement with my friends. Three of the respondents were my Godson, my stepson and my nephew; the latter posting “Woohoo - go Feebee! *proud nephew gushes*”

I’m past wanting to be a member of the ‘mother club’, but it sure is nice to be acknowledged for the time and effort I put into young people. And for those childfree people reading this? I’d like to acknowledge yours. Remember, you’re a mother (or father) too. Thanks for what you do. It’s invaluable and whether they get it or not, parents need you.

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