Childfree Woman Seeking ... Childfree Man

Written by Pikasam Monday, 21 July 2008 23:48

I have an acquaintance at the gym who started dating a guy with kids a year ago. Their relationship is a mash of three teenagers, two exes, a few stray pets and all the accompanying drama. We gather every morning over the hairdryers to hear the latest horror story, and after she leaves for the day my friends and I pull faces at each other and say “Oh.My.God. And people wonder why we don’t want to date a man with kids?”

I’m currently single, after the last man in my life developed a mid-life crisis and a terminal case of baby rabies to accompany it. It goes without saying that particular relationship ended badly. But after a year or so of rediscovering the many joys of singledom, I’m thinking it might be time to date again – if for no reason other than I find eating out alone depressing. With this in mind, I have drawn up my list of attributes required from a potential partner, and apart from the obvious– must be rich and look like George Clooney – the first item on said list is “must be childfree”.

This last is proving to be a little tricky. I went to Lavalife (a good place to start, one might think) to "check out the scene". If I put in my criteria and say that whether he has or wants children is irrelevant, then I have a total of 371 eligible males in my city. If I then change the kid options to “has none” and “wants none” my options now total ... um ... three. It appears that this is not going to fill my social calendar for the summer.

My girlfriend J can’t believe that I refuse to date a guy with older children. “If they’re 18, they’re practically off his hands!” she pontificates. I can only raise my eyebrows as her cell rings with the latest crisis from her 25-year-old daughter or 23-year-old son, usually requiring that she stop drinking on the patio with me and drive to their house RIGHT NOW, to assist them with the disaster du jour.

What about younger children? Easier to handle, right? To be honest, the major reason I’m childfree is that I really don’t like children, and the younger and more dependent the child, the less I like them. I don’t relate well to kids, and view spending time with them as a chore and not a pleasure. I’m not mother material, and I’m sure that I’d be an even worse candidate for stepmom, as I have no biological investment in someone else’s offspring. If I couldn’t be tempted into taking on the teenage tantrums of the fruit of my own loins, it’s a fair bet that I’m not going to be lining up to do it for someone else’s.

I do sometimes wonder if I’m shooting myself in the foot. I have had a few email exchanges with some childed men who have appeared articulate and accepting of my point of view. If the guy was "the one", his kids shouldn’t matter, says the ever-wise J. You’re dating him, not his children. But the truth is, for any decent man and father, his kids should always come first - which I can only interpret as I will always come second. I don't want to be involved in the all responsibility, no authority game. I don't want to deal with bitchy ex-wives. I don't want to become child-centric every second weekend because he has the kids, and the best times for trekking in Nepal do not coincide with school holidays. I come to a relationship with no baggage, and it would be nice – really nice – if he could say the same.

I’ve also met a few guys who insist that their children are “out of their lives". Living in another city, another state or another country with their mother and mother’s new man. Ideal? Not likely. I wonder about the motivations, commitment and responsibility of a man that would simply allow his offspring to vanish from his life like, as a friend of mine once put it, “so much used Kleenex”. Is this someone I’d trust to make a good long term partner? Sure, it might be convenient for now, but I’m going to guess it might be very inconvenient later on when mother can’t handle her now teenaged hellion and sends him to live with daddy. Don’t laugh, it happens more than you’d think, as my brother can attest.

Conversely, why do I think that men with kids would be interested in dating me? I have to wonder if they’re attracted to the freedom and lack of baggage, although on the other hand I’m confused as to why they would consider a sworn childfree a suitable partner in domestic, childed felicity. If I haven’t considered children and all their accoutrements to be a priority up until now, it’s a little narcissistic to assume that I will suddenly change my mind and leap into playing Suzy Homemaker with them and their offspring. If being childfree is the attraction, they’re obviously thrilled that they don’t have to deal with my children ... so why would they assume I want to deal with theirs?

I do actually get to go on the odd date with someone I haven't met through a dating site, and then there is the tricky question of when to drop the childfree bombshell. Standing where I do, I consider it a waste of my time to hang out with daddies - as they say, every moment spent with Mr. Wrong is a moment that you’re not out there meeting Mr. Right. It’s a tricky one. I’ve learned to steer conversations in ways that might give me subtle clues as to the lie of the land. How close is he to his family? Is he religious? If there’s a kid running around, smile and say how happy it looks, and watch his reaction. You don’t have to be screaming your beliefs from the rooftops, but I’m a big fan of putting it out there early. If he’s looking for a baby momma, and I’m just looking for a drinking buddy, this isn’t going to work out. Next please!

I know there are CF women out there who have stepped admirably into the role of stepmom, and found it to be not so bad. It’s a big task, and you’re braver women than me. I wish all of you the best of luck and happiness. And to all the other CF women out there looking for their CF guy – hang in there. They’re out there somewhere!

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